Confusing

Tarik,lepas.

Tarik,lepas.

Boleh tak kalau terus terang jangan main sembunyi sembunyi di balik mesej kaku? 

Ice block

Bila pilihan untuk bahagia ada di tangan kau,

Dan kau pilih untuk tidak membahagiakan

Untuk apa lagi aku tegak di sini? 

Memerhati dari jauh dengan hati yang keras semacam batu

Sama macam patung tidak ada nyawa.

Kosong.

Kosong.

Damn. I'm still in this ice block. 

Bagaimana mahu

Hari ini fikiran aku nun jauh di langit.
hati aku nun jauh di atas kayangan.


Jiwa,kenapa kau khayalkan yang bukan bukan.

Dia itu takkan pernah jadi milikmu.

Jiwa,sudah sudahlah tu.
Jangan jadi gila.

Cerita pagi sabtu.

Di lihat aku, di sapa aku.
Senyum.
Matahari, mungkin hari ini permulaannya.

3 saat kemudian, dia berkata;
"Eh aku rasa aku suka si X"



Mata aku sudah ada kaca.

Tuhan.
Aku masih tidak di hati dia.
Aku ini masih bukan siapa siapa.

Hi there nobody

I am here. Again. After years of being in denial that i dont need to write anything ever again.


Yes. I am a big fat liar.

Writing is the thing that keeps me sane. There, i've said it.



Anyway.




At this moment, i'm still picking up my heart on the floor, cause i accidentally dropped it onto somebody's hand, but his hands are full,apprently. It's crushed and exploded into pieces.






I am back to square one. 
I am back to being empty. 
Damn it. 

habis.pengakhiran.

5 tahun lepas, tarikh yang sama aku bakal pergi tinggalkan India selama-lamanya (kalau mak tak bising nak beli saree lagi). 10th October 2008-10th October 2013.

5 tahun.
bukan sekejap. tapi tak lama. faham?

tak faham biarkan. benda benda macam ini,yang melibatkan hati perasaan memang susah nak tafsir. maka kita biarkan.

harap-harap nya Azian Hana jadi lebih matang, dan jadi orang baru lepas balik Malaysia ni. sebab sepatutnya 5 tahun tu dah boleh bentuk diri sendiri. umur pun dah nak menjangkau setengah abad. kan?



diam.



ni dah balik Malaysia, boleh renung langit lama-lama balik. duduk dekat India langit tak berapa nak berbintang. atau tak berapa nak feel bila kau dongak langit cari bintang,yang kau jumpa ialah asap kelabu sama bunyi keretapi berdentum dentum ketuk gegendang telinga kau. kan?


back to the root.
back to who i'm supposed to be with.

family.

too many mosquitoes.i cannot sleep!

it's been awhile people. it's been awhile.





so... i have another 40 days before my final MBBS exam. how time flies fast / sigh/ well i got to finish what i started. this is the time to prove to myself that i can do this! 

anyway.. remember when i wrote in my past entries about how i want to go to Seoul/South Korea so bad it hurts? well...i went there twice already. yeah! went there in October 2012 and the latest trip was last June. please don't ask me why am i so interested in Korea. i can give you thousands reasons,yet you will still be sceptical and told me i only went there for Kpop (well,that was one of the many reasons for those trips but i do have another beneficial reasons in my mind so..yeah.)


and before the June trip to Korea,i went to Singapore. well..that was pure kpop-intentional-trip, and one of the spontaneous trips i've gone through. like the last June trip to Seoul..that was spontaneous too. made up my mind within 2 days,booked a ticket,and flew over there,right after i finished my Emergency Medicine exam. 

Singapore was.... fine. but Seoul trip was more than GREAT! 

i'll put some pictures so you won't get bored with my rants (but you're the one who choose to read this?) 

4 of us went to Coffee Cojjee (one of kpop idols's cafe and there's a popular salon situated above the cafe).We went there not to see the idols,but just to have a sip of the coffee and the yogurt smoothie of this cafe. they are so delicious.the taste of its berries smoothies still lingers in my mouth,i almost gone crazy while typing this / sigh/ 

this picture was taken at one of MangoSix cafe at Sinsadong area. the Korean woman is my friend,J eonni (eonni = sister) / oh i miss being in Sinsadong -.- / 

this was one of the street performances we saw.this was in Ehwa Woman University area. me and my friends were so freaking tired from walking and shopping in that area,so we decided to sit down and listen to this performance. the guy in red cardigan with tambourine is cute though. ahaha 

this was at Han River,waiting for the sunset,while eating ddeobokki (rice cake.go google i'm too lazy to explain) and some takoyaki / they were delicious T^T / and of course.... snacks and banana milk! the ambience during this time was so peaceful,i almost made up my mind to migrate to Seoul in few years -.-

and of course..... CUBE Cafe! this is like the must-go-place for me.but whatever. i have nothing to say about this because i admit it,the sole reason i went here was to see kpop idols. well,i managed to greet Hyunah (again,go google). 

okay this was me and Sya. walao..look how tired i was.those eyebags and eyes..barely opened! haha this was while walking/strolling in some random streets in Seoul,i think. but i look flawless so..yeay! / slap myself/ i'm sorry -.-

one of the many love-locks at Namsan Tower.it is said that if you put love locks on the fences of Namsan Tower,your love will remained forever. i did put one lock on the fence at this tower.i know believing in such things is kurafat. but let's take it easy. isn't it nice to come back to this place and reminiscence about all the good memories i had with my friends during this trip? right? so i made one. not for my future-anything,but for me and my friends who got involved in this crazy-money consuming-time consuming-energy depleting-spontaneous-trip. 

i must say..my life has been more happier and less stressful after coming back from this trip. i finally realise that travelling is really my 'thing'. i get to know my own potentials (mind you, travelling in a country where 90% of its citizen don't know how to speak/even understand english IS hard.Thank God for all those k-dramas and kpop songs,i at least know what to speak and what not to ask to Korean people). and the most important thing is..i know that i can not be stuck with being a boring,no-fun doctor for my whole life. i learned what moderation is, i learned how to be a better person by knowing different kinds of people during this trips,and i made a whole lot of new friends. really. and as for the behind stories of how do i learned all this things...let me just keep it to myself. because if i was to tell each one of them,it will take a very long time,a every long post,that will bore you to death. hehehe 

so... just let me come out of these memories of seoul first.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

okay.i'm out. 

it's 40 days before final MBBS exam..and i'm not fully ready to be a doctor yet. but i believe that my God will not leave me and i'm doing my best.i will pull through this and gain success! 

dear self.... please don't give up on yourself! you can do this! 파이팅! 

impossible

dalam satu hari, aku selalu lupa.
yang aku ini manusia yang diterlupakan. 

punch

'when you have nothing to protect anymore,all hell broke loose'


you don't know what's in my heart. stop looking at me and go live your own life.

dilemma

semalam aku telefon mak. dengan suara ala-ala ella/ramli sarip..dengan nafas yang putus putus disambut dengan batuk berkahak.

"kan mak dah kata jaga kesihatan.selalu buat mak risau.duduk jauh-jauh macam ni susah hati mak"

"ala mak. dulu sekolah sains teluk intan dekat tet tak sampai 20km tu pun mak risau jugak.yang jauh berjuta batu ni pun mak risau jugak."

"hati emak. takkan pernah diam selagi anak tak ada depan mata."

"nanti dah kerja lagi la susah.entah entah kena posted pergi sabah sarawak boleh balik sekali sekala aja"

"tak payah laa pergi jauh jauh. dekat teluk intan pun ada hospital.ni haaaa,abah kata tanah untuk bukak klinik Yan dah siap dah.tak lama lagi dah nak habih belajaq kan"



*diam*




"mak,tak boleh ka kalau kita bukak restoran,tak payah bukak klinik?"

"nak kena luku kepala dengan abah ka??"



okay siapa nak join venture klinik aku.mai mai pakat pakat mai hoi.

-.-"

p/s: being the only daughter who actually listens to my own parent is...hard.kakak2 semua degil nak buat macam mana....

this isn't it

yesterday i saw a tall and charismatic doctor upon my arrival at the hospital. i was parking my scooter when our eyes met.my face reddened and i quickly turned away,trying to hide the embarrassment i felt at that time.

my friend who was standing near me saw this.

"kau apehal malu semacam dia dah kawen la."

i waited until the doctor went into the hospital and then i confessed;

"aku nangis depan dia la time exam haritu.malu tau tak"

muted.forever.

that night.

i stood over there,music of mine for him playing slowly,
heart full with hopes,eyes filled are with tears,

no he didn't came out.
he heard the song,but he didn't notice my heart.

he must have really like her then.

back

you know,
all i want to say is that i have been away for too long,

cause at the end,
it's not our shiny little scalpel that saves lives,
it's Him.

and i am not your superhero.
He is.

apa ada

sekarang posting Pediatrics. gembira sebab aku memang suka budak-budak. sedih sebab kesian tengok si anak kecil menangis mengongoi kesakitan. dua hari lepas tinjau wad kecemasan sekejap. ada satu baby tak boleh bernafas. doctor kata a known patient of heart disease.

kesian. si ibu meleleh airmata tengok si anak kecil seusia 6 bulan ditusuk jarum. aku nak mintak jarum buat practice ambik darah pun tak sampai hati.

kesian. si ayah tegak berdiri mematung. tidak melihat langsung si anak. dan tidak langsung melihat si isteri yang menangis.apatah lagi memeluk memberi kekuatan.

kenapa?

sebab si anak usia 6 bulan itu PEREMPUAN.

di India,anak perempuan itu beban. kesusahan di masa mendatang.

aku terus blah dari situ. dengan sebak di dada. dengan persoalan "kenapa tak mahu diusahakan untuk anak itu berbakti di kemudian hari?"



*diam*



jadi syukurlah kita-kita ini yang masih di sayang ayah. syukurlah kita masih atau pernah punya ayah yang masih mahu menghantar kita-kita ini ke sekolah,ke luar berjumpa kawan,hatta ke kedai membeli jajan. syukurlah walau tak tertunjuk di perlakuan.


syukur dan doakan.




*diam*




sebenarnya aku rindu abah.

how should i say this?

susah jadi anak gadis ni.

Raya pertama,mak tengok gambar raya kau dengan kawan-kawan perempuan aje.okay lagi.belum bebel apa-apa lagi. steady.

masuk raya kedua,mak dah tanya;

"eh tak nampak pun kawan-kawan lelaki.tak ada ke kawan laki kat sana?"

raya ke tiga,dia nampak gambar kawan yang dah berpunya tu upload gambar dengan cik abang dia.

ah sudah. gelabah cicak aku.tambah-tambah bila dengar suara makcik makcik sedara kat tepi mak,duk soksek soksek bertanya itu ini. "udah ada orang ke die tu?" "takkan le belum ada,umur dah lanjut" "kalau takde lagi,aku ada sorang anak kawan aku ni"

lanjut apa makcik oi aku baru 23 tahun. yang emak pun satu. nak di lawan kata dia,serba salah. nanti tak pasal-pasal jadi batu kena sumpah dengan emak. kenapa la emak tak relax macam abah.

...

"nanti balik tak bulan 10?balik sekejap pun jadi la.mak rindu la."

tak.

"kalau balik boleh tolong mak kat rumah."

dah adik aku kat rumah tu tak tolong mak ke.

"kalau Yan ada meriah sikit rumah"

pelik.ni dah kenapa mak aku ni.

"lagipun Makcik Esah cakap anak laki dia yang duduk Aussie tu pun balik jugak.dia pun teringin nak jumpa mak."


aku dah agak.kalau tak berkumandang cadangan cadangan sumbang macam ni tiap kali telefon rumah,memang tak sah.


kenapa la kakak-kakak aku semua pergi kahwin awal. payah. memang payah.

the wind that blows me away

"I saw the different things you did,
But always you yourself you hid.
I felt you push, I heard you call,
I could not see yourself at all"

i should have accepted your request. that way my smile will stay and i won't be this sad.

That little star twinkling above, comforting me.

i had this particular habit,that i developed for past years. but it has stopped for almost 2 years now. started during form 3 in my secondary school.

what was it?

look up to the sky and counting the stars and god's blessings upon me.

but ever since i moved into my current apartment during my second year in India,i've stopped doing that. i don't know why and how i stopped from doing that.

and now, i'm regretting my decision.

back then,when i looked up and counted all the stars,i always felt this satisfaction, the feeling u felt when u managed to overcome something. let me tell you something. i've been keeping this as my darkest secret,but i guess it's safe to tell about it now.

i suffered an illness,a serious one, the one where i need to take medications on time,without fail and making various appointment with the doctors.and i had a very serious crisis in my family. and one of the causes is me. my illness. it wasn't an easy ride for all of us. all family members get involved, tears flowing out everywhere,everyday,every single day. the arguments in the family was the worst i've ever seen, and i felt like God is too cruel to me. i always questioned, if God is the one who will always help us,then why does God treats us like this? why me? why my family? and i went through my PMR with a lot of medications,self motivating books,and counseling from my friend. a friend. i must say.

a year later, i was free from the illness,and the doctors even confirmed with my parents that i'm all okay and may continued my usual life. and my family also got better. well, not in our best conditions, but at least there were not any shoutings,tears or fights anymore.

all was good until i got the illness back. during my first month in the final year as secondary student,sitting for SPM that year.

my mom was worried sick. my father was able to contain his feelings. i feel bad for the whole family,as i thought, 'am i going to wreck this family again? will i break their hearts again?" and most importantly, will i be able to go through all of this without fail? the pain i've suffered for 2 years are too painful, and mom brought me to anyone who knows (or might knows) what to do with my illness. everyone. u name it. various appointment were scheduled again, skipping classes again, and the series of "i'm-okay-don't worry-there's-nothing-wrong-with-me" excuses kept coming out from my mouth. we went all the way to Singapore to try everything they could do. and u maybe know nothing about this,but my family isn't rich, but we are not poor either. just enough money to make the living at that time. so i felt like i'm such a burden to my family,and i'm not the only child in my family. they were 6 of us at that time.

this time around,the 'thing' spread like crazy. i can't even do anything about it. always fainting in the class. my family even made secret visits to my hostel to check on me.my mom was so furious,she even sold her gold bracelets and everything,just to prepare,in case i need the big amount of money for the treatment. luckily,the operation was not needed,and with Allah's will, i went through a series of check ups, and with bottles of medications, pills in various colors, i managed to go through my SPM.

and 2 months after my SPM, i went to Makkah for umrah, and that's where i found the answers to my questions.

i didn't put my faith and hopes to Allah. i may put it,but not 100%.

upon reaching Malaysia 2 weeks later,after came back from Makkah, the doctors told me that i need to underwent surgery,but i still have other options. but the other one was a long,painful option.

and my mom,who was too afraid to put this useless child of hers onto the operation table,agreed to the second option. i was so naive and clueless at that time,so i just went with my mom's decision.

and Alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah alhamdulillah, Allah has yet put another mercy upon me,and graces me with his miracle. 6 months of painful series of treatment, i'm once again free from that thing.

and here i am, alive and breathing healthily. and selfishly, for always forgetting about the mercies given by my one and only God.

and from that moment onwards, i've always put my faith and 'kebergantungan' unto Allah as my priority,and He never fails to grant my wish. and i've learned that Allah and your own family are the ones you truly need.

and now,i feel like recreating my old habit. look up to the sky and count the stars and Allah's blessings upon me. and Thank Allah for all the things that came into my life for all these years,both good and bad things.

"You found me faster than the time I take to blink, you are indeed closer to me than my own jugular vein"

p/s: there's no such intention as 'membuka pekung didada' or whatever u might want to call this,but i just have this sudden urge to write this,since Ramadhan is coming in few days,so this is kind of a reflection for me.whenever i feel like complaining or anything,i will surely come here and read this,so that i'm reminded of all blessings i ever had in my life. stop complaining,and do something. Allah is with you. forever. and closer that your own jugular vein.

Hello and Goodbye

it's Monday,so let me whine about last week tragedy.

so many bad news in the past week. first,my exam marks went missing.because the clerk misplaced them so things were so messy, till the doctor decided to re-do the exam. and it's MEDICINE. i knew about the exam at 11.30am and the exam was supposed to start at 2.30pm. u do the maths then. i have to prepare my mind(and heart) for the exam.it was such a short notice.last minute decision by the doctors.

did my viva with the doctor,everything went smoothly until the doctor asked me what happened with my previous marks.how can they went missing without a trace. i felt so sad at that time,and depressed too,so i cried. i cried in front of the doctor. shame on you AzianHana.

i thought i was going to fail the exam, but Alhamdulillah, i passed it,even with just 7.5/10. 

and then i got involved with an accident the day before the exam,twice in one week. had some bruises here and there on my bodies,but still able to attend classes,futsal and netball practices.

on last Saturday, the Summer Sweat 2012 started and alhamdulillah,again, we managed to get into the finals for futsal and netball.

and we won the gold for both futsal and netball. went home with a smile on my face, and bruises on my body. 

so,at the end, what i can say is, life is unfair,but God is good. 

will be praying hard for a better week then :)

p/s : i miss home.

get real.

"Love is indeed a wonderful emotion, accorded to the humanity by God, but it is important to distinguish whether that love is real or not, and to consider who it is directed to, and what sentiments it is founded on"


Romanticism : A weapon of Satan, page 14.


i was being unnecessarily busy with the exams, kpop and daily routines, till i have no time to sit and think. and it's about time to read some useful books and feed myself with good thoughts. 

this rain,will it stop?

i like drinking coffee alone, and reading alone.
i like riding my scooter alone, and walking at the park alone.
i like eating alone, and listening to music alone.
it gives me time to think, to set my mind free.

and i love playing in the rain alone.

but when i see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with her best friend, i realize that even though i like being alone, i don't fancy being alone.

the sky is beautiful, but the people are sad.

i just need someone who won't run away. someone who will stand with me in the rain, and smiles while watching me being the silly me.

"Rain always falls so it will repeat again..When it stops, that’s when I will stop as well"