black swan

today is Nabihah's birthday.sorry my little sister.i can't be there on your birthday.but your present lagi 2 minggu sampai.

dia dah 9 tahun,tapi aku pernah celebrate birthday dia sekali aje.sad,isn't it?fakta ni buat aku sedar yang aku memang sikit spent masa berkualiti dengan family.being away in a boarding school must be one of the reasons.dan bergelumang dengan buku semenjak tingkatan 1 sampailah sekarang,memang buat aku tak cukup masa nak puaskan hati family aku.

and i can't picture myself in another 5 years from now.

bila cakap pasal ni kat mak dengan abah,diorang pujuk cakap it's okay.memang macam tu la kalau nak hidup senang berbakti kat mak abah nanti.and abah sweet sangat pujuk cakap dia nak keluar pergi memancing ikan puyu nak buat pekasam untuk anak degil dia ni.sweet sangat abah!

ni apehal pulak aku bantai melankolik tetengah malam ni? *sepak muka sendiri*

and selama 2 hari ni,telah ponteng kelas dengan jayanya.bukan apa.dah 2 malam berturut turut dah kena asthmatic attack.nasib baik ada inhaler kat tepi katil,kalau tak...

and disebabkan tak cukup tidur,maka aku sungguh tak larat nak ke kelas.nasib baik la eventhough tengah posting Medicine yang scary tu sekarang,tapi disebabkan banyak SDL (self directed learning),maka boleh la berehat sikit.walaupun nanti nak kena cover balik segala benda yang tertinggal.and to tell you the truth,i'm not a hardworking one.selalu belajar last minute.selalu ketinggalan dalam membuat nota.orang lain dah tebal 3 inci nota diorang,aku baru 3 helai A4.tapi aku percaya,kejayaan tidak diukur mengikut tebalnya nota atau bilangan A's dalam exam.(tetiba)

it's all about how you define the success itself.

eceh.alasan tak boleh blah.cakap je kau malas,ayam.

tapi serious.susah hati woo tengok housemates stay up berjam jam,and sambung study time pagi tu.aku?atas katil pagi petang siang malam.sungguh tak bagus.kadang-kadang,amat jealous dengan determination yang ada dalam diri housemates.macam mana boleh fokus baca buku duduk kat tempat yang sama for hours?!

mari lihat pattern belajar aku selama setengah jam itu;

9:00 pm ; bukak buku.

9:03 pm ; bukak index kat belakang buku cari tajuk nak baca.

9:05 pm ; jumpa.baca..baca..baca..

9:10 pm ; mata layu.check facebook la kejap.

9:17 pm ; damn. tengok buku balik.

9:20 pm ; reply bbm

9:22 pm ; baca buku balik.

9:28 pm ; ada orang mention kat twitter.check la kejap sape yang gatal mention tu.

9:30 pm ; dah tak boleh nak masuk kalau baca pun.tutup buku pergi rumah sebelah kacau orang lain yg tengah tekun belajar.

1:30 am ; tidur.

tengok.tengok.ape ntah aku buat.

ni kalau abah dengan mak tahu ni,dah lama kena tibai.

jangan jerit,aku benci.

i hate it when a person screamed without any particular reason.

called mak tadi.and adik lelaki yang baru habis PMR tu,tengah bising-bising dekat belakang.mula-mula aku biarkan aje.biasa lah budak muda nak naik angin kat rumah.tapi bila dia jerit panggil nama mak and marah-marah mak,aku memang berapi.

pantang aku orang jerit tengking-tengking marah mak abah ni.

seingat aku,sepanjang aku hidup 21 tahun 11 bulan ni, baru 2 kali aku tinggi suara dekat mak.first time mula-mula kena paksa kenal dengan anak bestfriend dia,second time aku kat India.sebab tak bagi aku balik.and that's it.lepas tu menyesal tak sudah takut mak tak ampun dosa.

even Kakak nombor 1 dengan Kakak nombor 2 tak pernah buat macam tu.

and bila dengar adik lelaki yang ditatang bagai minyak yang penuh and di sayang tahap giga oleh mak abah tu tinggikan suara dekat mak,memang aku rasa nak pagi penampar dekat muka biar bisu.

mak kata mak dah biasa kena jerit-jerit macam tu.mula-mula mak bagi jugak dua tiga das suruh jangan kurang ajar,tapi bila abah balik surau,mengadu dekat abah.lepas tu abah pujuk-pujuk,ceramah dua tiga ayat,dia insaf kejap.esok buat lagi.

inilah masalahnya kalau dimanjakan sangat.menatang-mentang selama ni dia sorang je anak lelaki.geram okay geram.

agak-agak kalau aku guna alasan "nak bagi nasihat dekat adik lelaki" untuk balik Malaysia,mak setuju tak?

a 4th year medical student.

these past 2 days had been too stressful for me.i never felt like this before.

and i am officially a 4th year medical students.alhamdulillah,all praise to Allah.but i barely feel like one.i don't have the confidence.i don't even believe in my skills in this field.and by making this decision along with some other friends,i think we made a good decision.

it's for our own good.Allah knows what best for us.

will be having a short break starting from 15th October till 24th October.short ke tuh?nak balik Malaysia tapi tiket mahal la jugak.and Mak will freaked out!but she should feel happy!i'm home!what else can she asked for?

rindu Qaseh and Aqeef!those 2 babies mesti makin membesar!

okay i think i used too much exclamation marks.

because of too much stress and works,i cried a lot tonight.and that,my friend,was how my day ends.

beetel

things i want to do;

* attend a fanmeeting of any of these groups; Block B,INFINITE,B2ST.

* visit Korea.

* visit Holland. the tulips =.="

* belanja mak secret recipe.balik bulan 8 hari tak sempat belanja.

* buat baju kurung dengan tenaga sendiri.

* get rid of unnecessary things in my drawers.

and today,another day wasted.i'm officially hate myself.bye.

i got you.

2 days straight without any long,deep sleep is hard for me.

these Prometheus is draining my energy out.the notes for exam are ready,but my mind can't remember all the facts.

and i'm having some tremors now.my hands are shaking like crazy.even my messy handwriting becomes messier than before.i think this is the after effects of too much Redbull and coffees.

and the last thing is need caffeine overdose.not at this moment.not during the exam.no,not this time.

let's hope i dont get any caffeine overdose or any sleep deprivation anymore.

padah derhaka.

it's 3 am and i still can't sleep.

i made a mistake yesterday,by not returning my mom's call.she called me back later.and i don't even bother to ask if she ate or not.because i'm busy doing my notes.

a bad daughter.yes,i know that.

oh bencinya perasaan derhaka macam ni.macam la kau tak boleh pause sekejap buat nota kau tu and sembang kejap dengan mak kan?kan?

akhirnya,nak buat nota tak boleh,nak menghafal tak masuk,baca apa pun tak faham.tercangak pandang ceiling rumah macam cicak hilang girlfriend kan,sebab tak sabar tunggu pagi.

padan muka.padan muka.

lain kali derhaka la lagi.

*slaps own face*

nak bintang.

hari ini hari Sabtu.sepatutnya Sabtu jadi hari untuk berehat dan buat kerja rumah seperti basuh baju,memasak,kemas bilik,etc.

tapi aku pergi library.

tepuk tangan sikitttttttt.huh.punyalah berasap kepala baca Ophthalmology tu.sungguh la payah nak jadi doctor.

tapi sabar ayam,sabar.Tuhan ada.demi Tuhan,demi masa depan dan demi mak abah.silalah bertahan untuk beberapa tahun lagi.dah tak lama.

p/s:masa-masa stress macam ni,kalaulah langit India ni ada bintang,teramatlah bagus.tsk tsk.

Joker,wae?

Track: I Am The Best;2NE1

remember when i said i'm so in love with Junhyung of B2ST and gonna make a compilation of his rapping part?

well,that plan is officially cancelled.

because today,he announced that he and Hara of Kara is dating and seeing each other.oh,what a sad life of a fangirl.

ok bye.i'm off to watch LieTo Me.and go to library later.bye.

first internal exam.haaa sentap ke tak?

Track: Nagging; IU ft Seulong

i'm in Adam Couple mode now.sheesh!

i miss their unique ways of bringing laughter to me.

and oh.i just realize how many topics of ENT and Ophthalmology that i have to cover for this first internal exam.for real.

THIS IS JUST THE FIRST IA.HOW COME IT CAN BE THIS MUCHHHHHH????!!!

tolong jangan tertipu.those "diseases of conjunctiva,cornea and lens" might looks simple,but heck,there's like hundreds of diseases in those topics.pfftt.

i don't know.might as well stay up and do all the notes.and i'm going to library today.for sure.

and nerd mode is activated now.byeeeee.

torturing me through out the night

Track; On Rainy Days;B2ST

nah.listen to the song itself and you'll know why i love it.

i was hoping for the rains to fall down.but no.not even a small drop.

reading her blog earlier,i came across this sentence.the sentence that describe the exact feelings i have right now.

"when the numb disappears,the pain attacks"

been in that numbness for several weeks,now i realize that the pain is coming.it is here.just when i thought running away from the crisis is the best thing.should i accept mak's offer?should i?

now i erased all of you,now i emptied out all of you,but when the rains fall again,all of the memories of you that i hid with efforts,it all come back to me.

it's all a fiction~

Track: Irreversible;Son Ga In

i need the best distraction i can have right now.i don't need all this stupid memories.

this Raya might be the best and worst Raya ever.

that's all.i have less than 2 hours to read about preterm labour.the scariest doctor will asked questions about that tomorrow.

bye~

losing

Track: On Rainy Days; B2ST

baru lepas main hujan.lenjun satu badan.

but even the dripping water can't wash away this sad feelings.

*when you found the EXACT song to describe your feelings*

When the world turns dark
And the rain quietly falls
Everything is still
Even today, without a doubt
I just can’t get out of it
I can’t get out from the thoughts of you

Now I know that it’s the end
I know that it’s all just foolishness
Now I know that it’s not true
I am just disappointed in myself for
Not being able to get a hold of you
Because of this pride

On the rainy days you come and fine me
Torturing me through the night
When the rain starts to stop, you follow
Slowly, little by little, you will stop as well

I must be drink, I think I need to stop drinking
Since the rain is falling, I think I might fall as well
Well this doesn’t mean that I miss you
No, it doesn’t mean that
It just means the time we had together was significant
When it’s the type of day that you would like
I keep opening the raw memories of you
Making the excuse that it’s all memories
I take a step forward
I don’t even make the effort to escape

Now I erase all of you
I emptied out all of you
But when the rain falls again
All the memories of you I hid with effort
It all comes back, it must be looking for you

On the rainy days you come and fine me
Torturing me through the night
When the rain starts to stop, you follow
Slowly, little by little, you will stop as well

(To you) Now there’s no path for me to return to
But looking at your happy face
I will try to keep on laughing, since I was the one
Without the strength to stop you

On the rainy days you come and fine me
Torturing me through the night
When the rain starts to stop, you follow
Slowly, little by little, you will stop as well

What can I do about something that’s already ended?
I’m just regretting being the stupid fool I was
Rain always falls, so it will repeat itself over
When it stops, that’s when I will stop as well
Rain always falls, so it will repeat itself over
When it stops, that’s when I will stop as well

so this is how it feels like to lose you.

over

dan tidak lagi aku daya untuk diupayakan lagi.

dah sudah tak ada apa-apa lagi antara kami.

everything is over.

nak ku adukan ke siapa ini? :(

back to you

Track: Fiction;B2ST

this is how my iTunes works right now.

and this is how i feel.since past few weeks.i don't know how this happened.must be the aftermath of the break up.

Have you ever had that feeling?

It’s painful…

Everything suddenly changes. Friends start avoid you. They ignore you all day, and find other people to hang out with. They talk about you behind your back, all of the bad things about you, and never the good. They don’t realize that they mean so much to you, and that it kills you so much inside to see what’s happening, and why. You hide your feelings, and act like everything is alright, but it isn’t.

because everyone stops to ask,but never waits for the answer.

try

Track :Tonight; BigBang

i always have my own reason when it comes to those kind of things.i'm sorry,but i prefer this way.

unfortunately,no one seems to understand.

this is when i realize my friends from the past know me better.

Royal Wedding 2011

Track: Today Was A Fairytale;TS

LOL.the track is so cliche. haha

Prince William is married to Catherine Middleton. now all gone one of every girl's dreams. marrying a prince. He is as handsome as ever. all my housemates plus Tasha yang sesat sebab rumah dia takde tv, menjerit bagai orang gila.part kiss tu punya la tunggu nak sorak2,tiba-tiba kiss 3 saat je.kan dah hampa korang.kesiannn.tu belum diorang yang kahwin dengan prince.LOL.it's okay my friend. have faith. one day, your own prince will come to you, minus the white horses and those big,beautiful castles.

Prince William dah kahwin. Prince Harry solo lagi. siapa-siapa yang nak bermimpi tu sila lah bermimpi sementara masih ada harapan. boleh lagi bolehhhhh.haha

message mak and cakap,

"mak,Prince William dah kahwin."

mak balas;

"haaa,korang bila plak?"

alahai mak.alahai.

MIA

I AM A BROKEN HEARTED GIRL.WILL BE MISSING IN ACTION FOR A WHILE.OR MAYBE FOREVER.BYE.

untuk yg ke 400 kali

"dan betapa kosong jiwa ini;

sehingga air selautan tak memenuh haus aku,

awan selangit tak mengenyang lapar jiwa.

semoga malam masih membawa mimpi-mimpi

yang akan menyuap sedikit haus lapar yang ada."

FynnJamal;Betapa.

perasaan aku bukan untuk ditunjuk ke kamu kamu.mahu tafsir apa sekali pun,silakan.kalau tidak mahu diambil herankan pun,masih tidak aku kisah.

go out and dance in the rain,will you?

Bismillaah..

i seriously need to go out and snap some pictures.i don't even know why i spent almost 3k on that dslr.sheesh!

and another lens to come.and it costs me nearly 2k.so much for the self satisfaction huh? =.="

take care.

get well fast mak and abah!

mak and abah are unwell since past few days.both having fever and chills and can't wake up from their bed.how i terribly wish i'm in Malaysia,with both of them.kinda tearing me apart inside when i can't be with them through this hard time.

you must think that i'm freaking out too much.it is just a fever.right?but not for me.i feel so sad when i heard mak's voice through phone just now.she's kind of...crying?seriously,mak never cry,come hell or high water.well,at least not in front of me.

and when you are hundred miles away from your parent,you'll know how i felt when i heard her helpless voice.

please please please make some prayers for them to get better soon,will ya?thanks!