muted.forever.

that night.

i stood over there,music of mine for him playing slowly,
heart full with hopes,eyes filled are with tears,

no he didn't came out.
he heard the song,but he didn't notice my heart.

he must have really like her then.

back

you know,
all i want to say is that i have been away for too long,

cause at the end,
it's not our shiny little scalpel that saves lives,
it's Him.

and i am not your superhero.
He is.

apa ada

sekarang posting Pediatrics. gembira sebab aku memang suka budak-budak. sedih sebab kesian tengok si anak kecil menangis mengongoi kesakitan. dua hari lepas tinjau wad kecemasan sekejap. ada satu baby tak boleh bernafas. doctor kata a known patient of heart disease.

kesian. si ibu meleleh airmata tengok si anak kecil seusia 6 bulan ditusuk jarum. aku nak mintak jarum buat practice ambik darah pun tak sampai hati.

kesian. si ayah tegak berdiri mematung. tidak melihat langsung si anak. dan tidak langsung melihat si isteri yang menangis.apatah lagi memeluk memberi kekuatan.

kenapa?

sebab si anak usia 6 bulan itu PEREMPUAN.

di India,anak perempuan itu beban. kesusahan di masa mendatang.

aku terus blah dari situ. dengan sebak di dada. dengan persoalan "kenapa tak mahu diusahakan untuk anak itu berbakti di kemudian hari?"



*diam*



jadi syukurlah kita-kita ini yang masih di sayang ayah. syukurlah kita masih atau pernah punya ayah yang masih mahu menghantar kita-kita ini ke sekolah,ke luar berjumpa kawan,hatta ke kedai membeli jajan. syukurlah walau tak tertunjuk di perlakuan.


syukur dan doakan.




*diam*




sebenarnya aku rindu abah.

how should i say this?

susah jadi anak gadis ni.

Raya pertama,mak tengok gambar raya kau dengan kawan-kawan perempuan aje.okay lagi.belum bebel apa-apa lagi. steady.

masuk raya kedua,mak dah tanya;

"eh tak nampak pun kawan-kawan lelaki.tak ada ke kawan laki kat sana?"

raya ke tiga,dia nampak gambar kawan yang dah berpunya tu upload gambar dengan cik abang dia.

ah sudah. gelabah cicak aku.tambah-tambah bila dengar suara makcik makcik sedara kat tepi mak,duk soksek soksek bertanya itu ini. "udah ada orang ke die tu?" "takkan le belum ada,umur dah lanjut" "kalau takde lagi,aku ada sorang anak kawan aku ni"

lanjut apa makcik oi aku baru 23 tahun. yang emak pun satu. nak di lawan kata dia,serba salah. nanti tak pasal-pasal jadi batu kena sumpah dengan emak. kenapa la emak tak relax macam abah.

...

"nanti balik tak bulan 10?balik sekejap pun jadi la.mak rindu la."

tak.

"kalau balik boleh tolong mak kat rumah."

dah adik aku kat rumah tu tak tolong mak ke.

"kalau Yan ada meriah sikit rumah"

pelik.ni dah kenapa mak aku ni.

"lagipun Makcik Esah cakap anak laki dia yang duduk Aussie tu pun balik jugak.dia pun teringin nak jumpa mak."


aku dah agak.kalau tak berkumandang cadangan cadangan sumbang macam ni tiap kali telefon rumah,memang tak sah.


kenapa la kakak-kakak aku semua pergi kahwin awal. payah. memang payah.

the wind that blows me away

"I saw the different things you did,
But always you yourself you hid.
I felt you push, I heard you call,
I could not see yourself at all"

i should have accepted your request. that way my smile will stay and i won't be this sad.

That little star twinkling above, comforting me.

i had this particular habit,that i developed for past years. but it has stopped for almost 2 years now. started during form 3 in my secondary school.

what was it?

look up to the sky and counting the stars and god's blessings upon me.

but ever since i moved into my current apartment during my second year in India,i've stopped doing that. i don't know why and how i stopped from doing that.

and now, i'm regretting my decision.

back then,when i looked up and counted all the stars,i always felt this satisfaction, the feeling u felt when u managed to overcome something. let me tell you something. i've been keeping this as my darkest secret,but i guess it's safe to tell about it now.

i suffered an illness,a serious one, the one where i need to take medications on time,without fail and making various appointment with the doctors.and i had a very serious crisis in my family. and one of the causes is me. my illness. it wasn't an easy ride for all of us. all family members get involved, tears flowing out everywhere,everyday,every single day. the arguments in the family was the worst i've ever seen, and i felt like God is too cruel to me. i always questioned, if God is the one who will always help us,then why does God treats us like this? why me? why my family? and i went through my PMR with a lot of medications,self motivating books,and counseling from my friend. a friend. i must say.

a year later, i was free from the illness,and the doctors even confirmed with my parents that i'm all okay and may continued my usual life. and my family also got better. well, not in our best conditions, but at least there were not any shoutings,tears or fights anymore.

all was good until i got the illness back. during my first month in the final year as secondary student,sitting for SPM that year.

my mom was worried sick. my father was able to contain his feelings. i feel bad for the whole family,as i thought, 'am i going to wreck this family again? will i break their hearts again?" and most importantly, will i be able to go through all of this without fail? the pain i've suffered for 2 years are too painful, and mom brought me to anyone who knows (or might knows) what to do with my illness. everyone. u name it. various appointment were scheduled again, skipping classes again, and the series of "i'm-okay-don't worry-there's-nothing-wrong-with-me" excuses kept coming out from my mouth. we went all the way to Singapore to try everything they could do. and u maybe know nothing about this,but my family isn't rich, but we are not poor either. just enough money to make the living at that time. so i felt like i'm such a burden to my family,and i'm not the only child in my family. they were 6 of us at that time.

this time around,the 'thing' spread like crazy. i can't even do anything about it. always fainting in the class. my family even made secret visits to my hostel to check on me.my mom was so furious,she even sold her gold bracelets and everything,just to prepare,in case i need the big amount of money for the treatment. luckily,the operation was not needed,and with Allah's will, i went through a series of check ups, and with bottles of medications, pills in various colors, i managed to go through my SPM.

and 2 months after my SPM, i went to Makkah for umrah, and that's where i found the answers to my questions.

i didn't put my faith and hopes to Allah. i may put it,but not 100%.

upon reaching Malaysia 2 weeks later,after came back from Makkah, the doctors told me that i need to underwent surgery,but i still have other options. but the other one was a long,painful option.

and my mom,who was too afraid to put this useless child of hers onto the operation table,agreed to the second option. i was so naive and clueless at that time,so i just went with my mom's decision.

and Alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah alhamdulillah, Allah has yet put another mercy upon me,and graces me with his miracle. 6 months of painful series of treatment, i'm once again free from that thing.

and here i am, alive and breathing healthily. and selfishly, for always forgetting about the mercies given by my one and only God.

and from that moment onwards, i've always put my faith and 'kebergantungan' unto Allah as my priority,and He never fails to grant my wish. and i've learned that Allah and your own family are the ones you truly need.

and now,i feel like recreating my old habit. look up to the sky and count the stars and Allah's blessings upon me. and Thank Allah for all the things that came into my life for all these years,both good and bad things.

"You found me faster than the time I take to blink, you are indeed closer to me than my own jugular vein"

p/s: there's no such intention as 'membuka pekung didada' or whatever u might want to call this,but i just have this sudden urge to write this,since Ramadhan is coming in few days,so this is kind of a reflection for me.whenever i feel like complaining or anything,i will surely come here and read this,so that i'm reminded of all blessings i ever had in my life. stop complaining,and do something. Allah is with you. forever. and closer that your own jugular vein.

Hello and Goodbye

it's Monday,so let me whine about last week tragedy.

so many bad news in the past week. first,my exam marks went missing.because the clerk misplaced them so things were so messy, till the doctor decided to re-do the exam. and it's MEDICINE. i knew about the exam at 11.30am and the exam was supposed to start at 2.30pm. u do the maths then. i have to prepare my mind(and heart) for the exam.it was such a short notice.last minute decision by the doctors.

did my viva with the doctor,everything went smoothly until the doctor asked me what happened with my previous marks.how can they went missing without a trace. i felt so sad at that time,and depressed too,so i cried. i cried in front of the doctor. shame on you AzianHana.

i thought i was going to fail the exam, but Alhamdulillah, i passed it,even with just 7.5/10. 

and then i got involved with an accident the day before the exam,twice in one week. had some bruises here and there on my bodies,but still able to attend classes,futsal and netball practices.

on last Saturday, the Summer Sweat 2012 started and alhamdulillah,again, we managed to get into the finals for futsal and netball.

and we won the gold for both futsal and netball. went home with a smile on my face, and bruises on my body. 

so,at the end, what i can say is, life is unfair,but God is good. 

will be praying hard for a better week then :)

p/s : i miss home.

get real.

"Love is indeed a wonderful emotion, accorded to the humanity by God, but it is important to distinguish whether that love is real or not, and to consider who it is directed to, and what sentiments it is founded on"


Romanticism : A weapon of Satan, page 14.


i was being unnecessarily busy with the exams, kpop and daily routines, till i have no time to sit and think. and it's about time to read some useful books and feed myself with good thoughts. 

this rain,will it stop?

i like drinking coffee alone, and reading alone.
i like riding my scooter alone, and walking at the park alone.
i like eating alone, and listening to music alone.
it gives me time to think, to set my mind free.

and i love playing in the rain alone.

but when i see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with her best friend, i realize that even though i like being alone, i don't fancy being alone.

the sky is beautiful, but the people are sad.

i just need someone who won't run away. someone who will stand with me in the rain, and smiles while watching me being the silly me.

"Rain always falls so it will repeat again..When it stops, that’s when I will stop as well"

greater things are waiting ahead

life has been pretty exciting.

my bronchial asthma is getting worse now,and the doctor actually put me on the steroid therapy. am not very keen on his decision,but i believe he knows better, so i think i better get used to it. 

this is one of Allah's ways of telling me to repent on my sins that i've done in my daily life. so i'm pretty much grateful for this test.

tak balik raya?

tidak akan balik beraya di Malaysia tahun. tahun ini bakal aidilfitri bersama rendang ayam tanpa daun kunyit. takkan ada ketupat palas. semua bakal jadi 3 in 1.

sebab tahun ni tak balik raya. housemates semua pun tak balik raya,so tak ada lah terkilan sangat kalau tak balik.

the problem is, dah janji dengan mak abah nak balik raya nanti. and takkan balik untuk cuti 3 minggu bulan oktober nanti.

hujung minggu bila call rumah, tak berani nak bagi tahu mak yang anak nombor 3 ni tak jadi balik raya.

T.T

raya tahun ni bakal jadi meriah. sebab apa? sebab tahun ni balik raya di Kedah. yes Kedah yang ada Mak Tam yang paling pandai buat laksam and rendang daging hitam. ada Mak Su yang cake coklat dia memang tip top. ada Pak Ndak yang ketupat palas dia paling lemak dan enak antara semua ketupat yang aku pernah makan. and ada family.

nanti jealous tengok gambar family beraya tanpa diri sendiri.tapi macam mana? sedih lah kalau macam ni.

OSCAR

posted in Obstetric and Gynaecology department for 2 months.and this is the end of 2 weeks already.time sure flies fast.and to be honest,this is the department i've been waiting for all this time.it's the busiest but the most exciting department,despite the fact that the doctors are no where to be found whenever needed.they are just so busy!and that added some more spices to this posting.

i never have an ambition before.i got into medic because my mom wanted me to and i don't know any other courses,except for medic,engineering,art and literature.i once insisted on literature,but my mother was so persistent,i can't even say no to her.

but years later,i found myself immersed in a whole new and exciting world.where people lives were saved.

yes,i might complained about this and that,but still,i love to be a doctor. a great and reliable doctor. inshaAllah.


p/s: will finished my MBBS in October 2013.that's one and a half year from now. i'm hoping for the best! :)

Easy

never once i felt something like this.the first,and the last,i hope.

and to everyone involved in these past 2 and a half years,thank you.and i'm sorry.

jodoh itu urusan Tuhan.kalau sudah usaha,dan sudah doa,tapi masih tak mampu diteruskan,maka apalah daya aku.

yang lebih baik itu tetap ada.

plastic

semalam aku bukak satu link di facebook.gambar artis korea,yang di upload oleh orang Melayu,Islam di Malaysia.dalam bahagian komen,penuh dengan ayat caci maki artis tu;

"eleh,plastic je semua ni.u olls jangan la terpedaya"

"boleh la cantik macam ni kalau dah cucuk sana,cucuk sini."

"tu hidung dia tu palsu la tu.tajam gile kot.tak mungkin ah cantik macam ni.konfem buat plastic surgery!"

"eeeee plastic!ptuih!"

pelik.sumpah aku pelik.

persoalan aku satu; apa perlu nya kau kutuk artis tu?

aku di sini bukan mempertahankan artis tu.cuma aku pelik.

biarlah artis tu nak buat pembedahan plastic satu badan sekali pun,yang kau nak tambah dosa kutuk orang tu kenapa?

atau kau jealous kau tak boleh jadi cantik macam tu?

*diam*

kau agak agak; kalau Tuhan tak kata ubah mana-mana tubuh badan,(kecuali atas sebab sebab kesihatan),tu berdosa...kau nak ubah tak muka kau jadi cantik?

mesti nak. jangan tipu.

lepas tu aku scroll lagi kat bawah.ada satu orang cina Singapore ni,pergi tanya soalan;

"why meh orang Islam tak boleh buat plastic surgery?"

tak berjawab soalan tu.ada la satu dua tulis; "dosa.berdosa"

*diam*

kalau betul kau tahu itu dosa,kenapa tak dijelaskan kenapa berdosanya ubah kecantikan fizikal macam tu?

paling tidak cakap lah;

"berdosa.Tuhan tak bagi ubah apa-apa sebab kami dah cukup cantik.dan kami cukup gembira dengan apa yang Tuhan kami bagi"

*diam*

kadang kadang aku rasa orang Malaysia paling kelakar :/

i knew it.

Qaseh dah pandai berjalan.Aqeef dah pandai memanjat sana sini.can't wait for holidays.will pinched those chubby cheeks everyday!

and i have exams on next monday,tuesday,friday,saturday.

and also on the next next monday,tuesday,wednesday and thursday.

the never ending exams in the life of a medic student.

p/s: one of my seniors wrote his as her fb status; ' i lost my first patient today.i'm sorry.really really sorry'

that,is the dark side of being a doctor.bukan senang nak selamatkan orang lain =.="

kosong

i want to write everything,but i just cant.it was either difficult to tell or God just wants me to keep this all to myself.

kaya

bagi kau,apa maksud susah?

adakah ini;

tidak tidur malam belajar semata lulus exam?

adakah ini;

mengemis di tepi jalan menghulur tangan untuk sesuap nasi?

adakah ini;

berpanas terik di sawah demi anak-anak?

adakah ini;

melihat dia gembira dengan gadis lain?

adakah ini;

darah berlumuran di badan setelah negara di bedil dengan bom dari angkasa?

bagi aku; entah.setiap orang Tuhan cipta beza-beza.untuk ditafsir maksud susah,harus di beri kebebasan kepada diri sendiri.

p/s: a friend of mine claimed that she is poor and i'm rich.just because she saw me using certain gadjets that she can't buy.i bet she don't know the meaning of poor itself.

p/p/s: aku tak kaya.mak ayah aku tak kaya.tidak pernah kaya.kalau miskin itu kau tafsir guna kemampuan membeli barang-barang mahal,maka kau salah.

attempt

i made a thinly veiled attempt to fit in the society around me.

it was a total failure.i don't give a damn anymore.

menemui ayahbunda

kalau diingatkan tentang saya--

fikirkan di mana ditinggal saya;

bersama serangga-serangga kecil,

bersama matahari yang tak mongil,

bulan yang tak mau memandang saya,

semua yang tak mempeduli saya.

di mana ayah

di mana bunda

di waktu saya meminta?

dengan membayangi suara anak yang dibuangtepi, dengan seolah mendengar mereka membisik pada sang ayahbunda yang membiari mereka terbiar situ. tulisan ini terlalu picisan dan mungkin tak mengesan apa2 dan s

iapa2. cuma semoga, datang hari, habislah binatang

kita dalam diri ini.

yang di atas ini adalah cebisan puisi Fynn Jamal tajuknya Menemui Ayahbunda.ada kawan-kawan aku kata kak Fynn kalau baca puisi,macam orang gila.menakutkan,dan tidak masuk akal.tapi aku peduli apa.selagi otak aku boleh relate,aku dengar.

"And when the female (infant) buried alive (as the pagan Arabs used to do) shall be questioned: (8) For what sin she was killed? (9)"

at-Takweer ; 8 & 9.

dan lepas posting O&G di India ni,mana-mana doktor yang maklumkan ibu ayah tentang jantina anak di dalam kandungan,akan dikenakan tindakan.lepas delivery aja doktor boleh bagitahu jantina baby.

dan aku pernah saksikan sendiri seorang ayah,yang di awal proses delivery,semasa isterinya masuk ke dewan bersalin,berubah watak.

dari seorang yang gembira,tidak sabar mahu memegang bayi sendiri,kepada seorang yang membenci anak sendiri,dan isteri yang penat bertarung melahirkan seorang bayi PEREMPUAN.

hanya disebabkan bayi itu perempuan.

dan di kalangan keluarga aku juga,ada yang tak boleh melahirkan.aku nampak derita dia,bertarung emosi untuk boleh melahirkan.masih gagal sampai sekarang.yang berdoa berusaha siang malam,tidak dikabulkan permintaan nya.

yang tidak mahu tetapi boleh melahirkan,tidak pernah minta,terus dapat.

dan hasil dibuang di mana-mana.lantai,longkang,jalanraya,tong sampah.

benci.sungguh aku benci.

p/s: ini jadi bila aku buka berita online di pagi-pagi hari.to wake up and reading such unpleasant news is horrible.and knowing that such things happen in your own country is horrible times 2.

bye.

kilang ulat

so,we went to the silk factory.kilang ulat,sebenarnya.

sebab kami terlalu bosan duduk di rural area tu.maka,di satu tengahari yang panas berbahang,16 orang gadis melangkah ke kilang ulat,terletak kira-kira 200 meter dari hospital tu.

mula-mula semua macam cuak dengan ulat2 yg meliuk lentuk tu,tapi akhirnya ada lah beberapa wakil tunjuk berani main pegang-pegang tabur tabur ulat tu.

1 kg of these = rs 500 = almost rm50

this uncle is a Muslim.and if you are wondering what was he doing,well,he scattered the ulat into that round container.he said he was letting the ulat to rest,get some sunlight and produce the cotton-like substance.

some of my friends were brave enough to help this uncle.and i did try to touch the caterpillar,and it feels like a....marshmallow.soft,and spongy.but ALIVE. urgh.

so much ulat(s). *screams*

just when i thought that the nightmare was over,my friends insisted on entering the house/kilang/whatever place it was called as, just to see another thousands of caterpillars.luckily i have Farina,who stayed with my through thick and thin *eceh* .both of us are afraid/geli with ulat.

tadah! welcome to the house of horror! there were like 6/7 stacks of these,in one cabinet.and they have like..10 of cabinets? i'm not sure.i was busing checking my toes,ready to attack if any of the caterpillars manage to escape and come to me.

it was a great experience,despite the fact that i went back with a zero knowledge about silk making or whatever,because i was too busy jumping and running around,escaping from these little creatures.and also avoiding the naughty boys and girls in that village who tried to hand me some of these caterpillars.ergh.

i'll post another pictures of these later.

burnt

to believe everything will be alright,without making any efforts,is called as delusion.

there's no such thing as alright.nothing will be perfect.no one will ever be a perfect person. but there's always rooms for improvements along the way to perfection.

and to believe that you can achieve all this,without any dependance to your god,is ridiculous.

love.hate.death.fate.

they are not up to us to decide,but God.

sayur.

february is going to end soon.and i just can;t wait to finish this rural psychiatry posting.what i don't like about it is,the journey to go to the rural hospital. took me one and half hour to reach there.and India,being the most 'incredible' country,has the most bumpy roads ever.

aku rasa macam sayur tiap kali turun bas lepas sampai kat hospital tu.

and kalau dah jadi sayur,macam mana la nak stay focused and letak stethoscope kat badan orang.rentak jantung orang pun aku dah dengar macam kuah masak lemak mendidih dalam kuali.

tapi harap harapnya,bermula dari hari esok yang bakal cerah dan ceria *ayat minta penampar* akan ku gagahkan diri untuk tak menjadi sayur.lagipun cobaan ini hanyalah sebulan.tak mengapa.demi rakyat-rakyat india yang miskin dan dalam kesusahan,aku sabarkan hati.manalah tahu nanti dah start HO kena posted kat bahagian yang pedalaman sikit.bukan kampung,pedalaman.mark my word. kang tuduh aku berlagak kaya pulak kannnn.

eh btw,nina and marbeck,this is for you two.

thank you for being there.thank you for listening to me weeping and crying all the way from bangalore.yes i was being a crybaby that day.but i failed the exam.i have the rights to cry,kan?thank god for giving these 2 precious people to me.

and nina,walaupun kau terharu dengan ayat aku,aku still nak sepak kaki kau time jumpa bulan 4 nanti. i know u'll be reading this.ahahah.

stress

my ceiling fan has exploded and caused a big,terrible mess in the house.and i failed the exam on the same day.

pretty much in a depressed state right now.

jealous people are irrelevant.

being accused of wasting government's money for no obvious reason.what is wrong with you?some people just can't stand the fact that i'm better than them.not trying to act good.and not trying to praise myself over here,but seriously?asking me those kind of questions are rude.

do you even know what the heck am i facing over here?all those sleepless nights just to get good grades and survive in this field? and it's medic. one of the toughest courses in the world. not a mere simple field like what you've been into. come on. you just saw me posting about the kpop stuffs,my outing/vacations pictures on facebook, and then poof! you judged me like you were some kind of gods or something? duh. go and look into a mirror.

and i was tired of being asked if i studied hard enough for the exams. come on. which one you think is clever? getting a good grade after being 24/7 in front of your books and notes, or getting a good grade after watching tv series/movies? the later seems better,isn't it? not that i think that watching movies is good, the point is, IT DEPENDS!

and in this field,good grades are bonus. knowledge and skills are what we doctors should have. and manners! yes. and that's my friend,is something you can't get when you didn't interact with people much, which leads you to be this kind of terrible person.

i'm removing you from my friend list.that way,both of us will be happy. i wouldn't need to see,read, or hear your rubbish questions and comments.and you don't get any sins from being jealous of me. bye.

absurd

Aqeef Nabihan sudah besar dan sudah tumbuh gigi! and he looks like astro boy in here.haha.blame my sister.

nanti kakak nombor 3 balik,aqeef dah boleh jalan.sedih la macam ni.tak berjaya buat "buku perkembangan adik bongsu" seperti yang diimpikan.kita tunggu anak saudara ke-2 or anak sendiri *tiba-tiba*

i know i'm old when my mom asked me about the best food for baby.i mean,come on mak.you have 6 healthy children.you were the one who raised them not me! haha. tapi mengenang itu EMAK,maka tidaklah sampai hati nak cakap begitu.and last time mak jaga baby ialah 8 tahun lepas,maka tak hairan lah kalau mak lupa bagaimana mahu jaga baby.and maybe sebab mak ingat anak dia ni dah 4th year in medic,maka dia mungkin yakin dengan aku.haha. bantai la mak.

eh kejap.lagi setahun aje nak graduate. okay sekarang aku susah hati.

ada exam lusa and jumaat nanti.yang jumaat tu tak mengapa lah.ni lusa ni. one on one dengan doctor.ketaq lutut cek!

mak kata semalam ada orang datang rumah.tepiskan dulu.time is all i need,mak.

plus an iPad.

bye.

sakit

homesick.

even after used to being away from home for almost 10 years.amazing how the love for family could make me sad.Allah is great.

bitter life

i dont need ay heart wrenching,soul crashing songs or movies whatsoever.

a happy picture of you.

and i'm out of your world.forever.

words i can't uttered in my daily life

in another life,i would make you stay.so i don't have to say,you were the one that got away.

touche.

segar bugar

why would i wait for someone who don't want to wait for me?

a fresh start is what i need.

black swan

today is Nabihah's birthday.sorry my little sister.i can't be there on your birthday.but your present lagi 2 minggu sampai.

dia dah 9 tahun,tapi aku pernah celebrate birthday dia sekali aje.sad,isn't it?fakta ni buat aku sedar yang aku memang sikit spent masa berkualiti dengan family.being away in a boarding school must be one of the reasons.dan bergelumang dengan buku semenjak tingkatan 1 sampailah sekarang,memang buat aku tak cukup masa nak puaskan hati family aku.

and i can't picture myself in another 5 years from now.

bila cakap pasal ni kat mak dengan abah,diorang pujuk cakap it's okay.memang macam tu la kalau nak hidup senang berbakti kat mak abah nanti.and abah sweet sangat pujuk cakap dia nak keluar pergi memancing ikan puyu nak buat pekasam untuk anak degil dia ni.sweet sangat abah!

ni apehal pulak aku bantai melankolik tetengah malam ni? *sepak muka sendiri*

and selama 2 hari ni,telah ponteng kelas dengan jayanya.bukan apa.dah 2 malam berturut turut dah kena asthmatic attack.nasib baik ada inhaler kat tepi katil,kalau tak...

and disebabkan tak cukup tidur,maka aku sungguh tak larat nak ke kelas.nasib baik la eventhough tengah posting Medicine yang scary tu sekarang,tapi disebabkan banyak SDL (self directed learning),maka boleh la berehat sikit.walaupun nanti nak kena cover balik segala benda yang tertinggal.and to tell you the truth,i'm not a hardworking one.selalu belajar last minute.selalu ketinggalan dalam membuat nota.orang lain dah tebal 3 inci nota diorang,aku baru 3 helai A4.tapi aku percaya,kejayaan tidak diukur mengikut tebalnya nota atau bilangan A's dalam exam.(tetiba)

it's all about how you define the success itself.

eceh.alasan tak boleh blah.cakap je kau malas,ayam.

tapi serious.susah hati woo tengok housemates stay up berjam jam,and sambung study time pagi tu.aku?atas katil pagi petang siang malam.sungguh tak bagus.kadang-kadang,amat jealous dengan determination yang ada dalam diri housemates.macam mana boleh fokus baca buku duduk kat tempat yang sama for hours?!

mari lihat pattern belajar aku selama setengah jam itu;

9:00 pm ; bukak buku.

9:03 pm ; bukak index kat belakang buku cari tajuk nak baca.

9:05 pm ; jumpa.baca..baca..baca..

9:10 pm ; mata layu.check facebook la kejap.

9:17 pm ; damn. tengok buku balik.

9:20 pm ; reply bbm

9:22 pm ; baca buku balik.

9:28 pm ; ada orang mention kat twitter.check la kejap sape yang gatal mention tu.

9:30 pm ; dah tak boleh nak masuk kalau baca pun.tutup buku pergi rumah sebelah kacau orang lain yg tengah tekun belajar.

1:30 am ; tidur.

tengok.tengok.ape ntah aku buat.

ni kalau abah dengan mak tahu ni,dah lama kena tibai.

the game is over.

never mind, i'll find someone like you.