habis.pengakhiran.

5 tahun lepas, tarikh yang sama aku bakal pergi tinggalkan India selama-lamanya (kalau mak tak bising nak beli saree lagi). 10th October 2008-10th October 2013.

5 tahun.
bukan sekejap. tapi tak lama. faham?

tak faham biarkan. benda benda macam ini,yang melibatkan hati perasaan memang susah nak tafsir. maka kita biarkan.

harap-harap nya Azian Hana jadi lebih matang, dan jadi orang baru lepas balik Malaysia ni. sebab sepatutnya 5 tahun tu dah boleh bentuk diri sendiri. umur pun dah nak menjangkau setengah abad. kan?



diam.



ni dah balik Malaysia, boleh renung langit lama-lama balik. duduk dekat India langit tak berapa nak berbintang. atau tak berapa nak feel bila kau dongak langit cari bintang,yang kau jumpa ialah asap kelabu sama bunyi keretapi berdentum dentum ketuk gegendang telinga kau. kan?


back to the root.
back to who i'm supposed to be with.

family.

muted.forever.

that night.

i stood over there,music of mine for him playing slowly,
heart full with hopes,eyes filled are with tears,

no he didn't came out.
he heard the song,but he didn't notice my heart.

he must have really like her then.

back

you know,
all i want to say is that i have been away for too long,

cause at the end,
it's not our shiny little scalpel that saves lives,
it's Him.

and i am not your superhero.
He is.

apa ada

sekarang posting Pediatrics. gembira sebab aku memang suka budak-budak. sedih sebab kesian tengok si anak kecil menangis mengongoi kesakitan. dua hari lepas tinjau wad kecemasan sekejap. ada satu baby tak boleh bernafas. doctor kata a known patient of heart disease.

kesian. si ibu meleleh airmata tengok si anak kecil seusia 6 bulan ditusuk jarum. aku nak mintak jarum buat practice ambik darah pun tak sampai hati.

kesian. si ayah tegak berdiri mematung. tidak melihat langsung si anak. dan tidak langsung melihat si isteri yang menangis.apatah lagi memeluk memberi kekuatan.

kenapa?

sebab si anak usia 6 bulan itu PEREMPUAN.

di India,anak perempuan itu beban. kesusahan di masa mendatang.

aku terus blah dari situ. dengan sebak di dada. dengan persoalan "kenapa tak mahu diusahakan untuk anak itu berbakti di kemudian hari?"



*diam*



jadi syukurlah kita-kita ini yang masih di sayang ayah. syukurlah kita masih atau pernah punya ayah yang masih mahu menghantar kita-kita ini ke sekolah,ke luar berjumpa kawan,hatta ke kedai membeli jajan. syukurlah walau tak tertunjuk di perlakuan.


syukur dan doakan.




*diam*




sebenarnya aku rindu abah.

That little star twinkling above, comforting me.

i had this particular habit,that i developed for past years. but it has stopped for almost 2 years now. started during form 3 in my secondary school.

what was it?

look up to the sky and counting the stars and god's blessings upon me.

but ever since i moved into my current apartment during my second year in India,i've stopped doing that. i don't know why and how i stopped from doing that.

and now, i'm regretting my decision.

back then,when i looked up and counted all the stars,i always felt this satisfaction, the feeling u felt when u managed to overcome something. let me tell you something. i've been keeping this as my darkest secret,but i guess it's safe to tell about it now.

i suffered an illness,a serious one, the one where i need to take medications on time,without fail and making various appointment with the doctors.and i had a very serious crisis in my family. and one of the causes is me. my illness. it wasn't an easy ride for all of us. all family members get involved, tears flowing out everywhere,everyday,every single day. the arguments in the family was the worst i've ever seen, and i felt like God is too cruel to me. i always questioned, if God is the one who will always help us,then why does God treats us like this? why me? why my family? and i went through my PMR with a lot of medications,self motivating books,and counseling from my friend. a friend. i must say.

a year later, i was free from the illness,and the doctors even confirmed with my parents that i'm all okay and may continued my usual life. and my family also got better. well, not in our best conditions, but at least there were not any shoutings,tears or fights anymore.

all was good until i got the illness back. during my first month in the final year as secondary student,sitting for SPM that year.

my mom was worried sick. my father was able to contain his feelings. i feel bad for the whole family,as i thought, 'am i going to wreck this family again? will i break their hearts again?" and most importantly, will i be able to go through all of this without fail? the pain i've suffered for 2 years are too painful, and mom brought me to anyone who knows (or might knows) what to do with my illness. everyone. u name it. various appointment were scheduled again, skipping classes again, and the series of "i'm-okay-don't worry-there's-nothing-wrong-with-me" excuses kept coming out from my mouth. we went all the way to Singapore to try everything they could do. and u maybe know nothing about this,but my family isn't rich, but we are not poor either. just enough money to make the living at that time. so i felt like i'm such a burden to my family,and i'm not the only child in my family. they were 6 of us at that time.

this time around,the 'thing' spread like crazy. i can't even do anything about it. always fainting in the class. my family even made secret visits to my hostel to check on me.my mom was so furious,she even sold her gold bracelets and everything,just to prepare,in case i need the big amount of money for the treatment. luckily,the operation was not needed,and with Allah's will, i went through a series of check ups, and with bottles of medications, pills in various colors, i managed to go through my SPM.

and 2 months after my SPM, i went to Makkah for umrah, and that's where i found the answers to my questions.

i didn't put my faith and hopes to Allah. i may put it,but not 100%.

upon reaching Malaysia 2 weeks later,after came back from Makkah, the doctors told me that i need to underwent surgery,but i still have other options. but the other one was a long,painful option.

and my mom,who was too afraid to put this useless child of hers onto the operation table,agreed to the second option. i was so naive and clueless at that time,so i just went with my mom's decision.

and Alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah alhamdulillah, Allah has yet put another mercy upon me,and graces me with his miracle. 6 months of painful series of treatment, i'm once again free from that thing.

and here i am, alive and breathing healthily. and selfishly, for always forgetting about the mercies given by my one and only God.

and from that moment onwards, i've always put my faith and 'kebergantungan' unto Allah as my priority,and He never fails to grant my wish. and i've learned that Allah and your own family are the ones you truly need.

and now,i feel like recreating my old habit. look up to the sky and count the stars and Allah's blessings upon me. and Thank Allah for all the things that came into my life for all these years,both good and bad things.

"You found me faster than the time I take to blink, you are indeed closer to me than my own jugular vein"

p/s: there's no such intention as 'membuka pekung didada' or whatever u might want to call this,but i just have this sudden urge to write this,since Ramadhan is coming in few days,so this is kind of a reflection for me.whenever i feel like complaining or anything,i will surely come here and read this,so that i'm reminded of all blessings i ever had in my life. stop complaining,and do something. Allah is with you. forever. and closer that your own jugular vein.

kosong

i want to write everything,but i just cant.it was either difficult to tell or God just wants me to keep this all to myself.

menemui ayahbunda

kalau diingatkan tentang saya--

fikirkan di mana ditinggal saya;

bersama serangga-serangga kecil,

bersama matahari yang tak mongil,

bulan yang tak mau memandang saya,

semua yang tak mempeduli saya.

di mana ayah

di mana bunda

di waktu saya meminta?

dengan membayangi suara anak yang dibuangtepi, dengan seolah mendengar mereka membisik pada sang ayahbunda yang membiari mereka terbiar situ. tulisan ini terlalu picisan dan mungkin tak mengesan apa2 dan s

iapa2. cuma semoga, datang hari, habislah binatang

kita dalam diri ini.

yang di atas ini adalah cebisan puisi Fynn Jamal tajuknya Menemui Ayahbunda.ada kawan-kawan aku kata kak Fynn kalau baca puisi,macam orang gila.menakutkan,dan tidak masuk akal.tapi aku peduli apa.selagi otak aku boleh relate,aku dengar.

"And when the female (infant) buried alive (as the pagan Arabs used to do) shall be questioned: (8) For what sin she was killed? (9)"

at-Takweer ; 8 & 9.

dan lepas posting O&G di India ni,mana-mana doktor yang maklumkan ibu ayah tentang jantina anak di dalam kandungan,akan dikenakan tindakan.lepas delivery aja doktor boleh bagitahu jantina baby.

dan aku pernah saksikan sendiri seorang ayah,yang di awal proses delivery,semasa isterinya masuk ke dewan bersalin,berubah watak.

dari seorang yang gembira,tidak sabar mahu memegang bayi sendiri,kepada seorang yang membenci anak sendiri,dan isteri yang penat bertarung melahirkan seorang bayi PEREMPUAN.

hanya disebabkan bayi itu perempuan.

dan di kalangan keluarga aku juga,ada yang tak boleh melahirkan.aku nampak derita dia,bertarung emosi untuk boleh melahirkan.masih gagal sampai sekarang.yang berdoa berusaha siang malam,tidak dikabulkan permintaan nya.

yang tidak mahu tetapi boleh melahirkan,tidak pernah minta,terus dapat.

dan hasil dibuang di mana-mana.lantai,longkang,jalanraya,tong sampah.

benci.sungguh aku benci.

p/s: ini jadi bila aku buka berita online di pagi-pagi hari.to wake up and reading such unpleasant news is horrible.and knowing that such things happen in your own country is horrible times 2.

bye.

burnt

to believe everything will be alright,without making any efforts,is called as delusion.

there's no such thing as alright.nothing will be perfect.no one will ever be a perfect person. but there's always rooms for improvements along the way to perfection.

and to believe that you can achieve all this,without any dependance to your god,is ridiculous.

love.hate.death.fate.

they are not up to us to decide,but God.

sakit

homesick.

even after used to being away from home for almost 10 years.amazing how the love for family could make me sad.Allah is great.

bitter life

i dont need ay heart wrenching,soul crashing songs or movies whatsoever.

a happy picture of you.

and i'm out of your world.forever.

words i can't uttered in my daily life

in another life,i would make you stay.so i don't have to say,you were the one that got away.

touche.

the game is over.

never mind, i'll find someone like you.

bom atom

the new schedule is hectic.but i can guaranteed that the other new schedule will be more hectic,busy,crazy and tiring.

masih belum start on calls,but the seniors in final year dah start. 8 am to 8pm bebeh.pheww!~but no worries,on calls bakal start tak lama lagi.bakal sampai rumah pada 9 malam seperti seniors yang di tahun akhir sekarang.

4 years.time sure flies fast.

hari ni nampak ada beberapa seniors yang dah grad,aka para doctors,yang dah get ready nak balik malaysia for good.diorang datang jumpa semua doctors kat hospital.ada yang muka relax,ada yang dah bergenang air mata.yela..almost 6 tahun kot bergelumang dengan Hospital Baptist tu.busuk-busuk hospital tu,masih tempat tumpah peluh keringat sendiri.eceh.

oh lupa nak bagitahu,aku sekarang posting Orthopedics. pergh. letih posting ortho ni.patients yang datang semua hardcore.patah tulang peha,patah rahang.setakat sprained ankle tu apalah sangat kan.

tadi time posting,tengah lali-lali baru sampai OPD,ada doctor tanya;

" explain to me about this x-ray"

menggelabah cicak aku.nasib baik kepala tak ting tong sangat kan.

"left sided hip replacement,by inserting a monopolar prosthetic"

dia smashed aku balik; "tell me types of hip replacement"

aku bidas; "total and......"

doctor angkat kening,

aku juling mata tengok langit.

kot-kot dia kesian.huh.hampeh.takde maknanya.

"faster.i'm waiting for your answer"

bantai je la kan;" total and sub total"

habis cerdik ah jawapan logic aku.doctor tu senyum.sah aku kantoi ni.

"go and read.then explain to me"

tengahari tadi aku baca semua joints replacement methods.dari hip joint sampai la ke elbow joint.serik weh kena soalan bom atom macam tu.tetiba je.dah la time posting ortho time 3rd year dulu doctors ajar pasal types of fractures sikit-sikit aje.hampeh.

tapi bila fikir-fikir balik,bagus jugak kena soalan ala-ala pop kuiz macam tu.baru lah ingat sikit.tak payah buat nota warna pelangi bagai baru nak ingat.inshaAllah ingat sampai bila-bila.

posting mates dah tukar.no longer with Farina,Kotie,Qish,Hana,Bett,Bihah,Nana. dah takde geng minum kopi bawah pokok.lepas ni kena lah join Ruby,Nefa,Azie and Jaja jadi budak baik baca buku macam nerd.lol.

inconvenient truth

#np; i need an airbag,Before I hit the great sadness that approaches

do you know the feeling,when you see someone living a life you've been longing for?you pray so hard to be in her shoes,yet you just can't.i know what happened to me all this while is a fate,arranged by God.but is it wrong to dream?

no,i guess not.

the freedom she has,i want it too.the smiles,tears,laughs and people that came and stay/leave in her life,i want them too.i have been dreaming to live such life,ever since i was in school.and surprise surprise,when i finally have the chance to do so,someone stopped me.no,i'm not regretting the decision i made,i just want to let this out.i didn't choose this path,someone made me to.i didn't agree to this but i nodded my head.

and all i can do now is either cry or feeling jealous over her life.if only i can turned back the time,but it's too impossible,right?

i wish i'm that stubborn girl again.someone who can have a firm grip on her own decision.but a wish is just a wish.

life stays the same,and i have to move on.

pathetic,isn't it?

relieve

i'm forever alone in this house.my roommate reached Malaysia already,and other housemates will be going to Goa for 3 days.and me?

stuck in Bangalore for the whole week.

yeah.life is unfair.

well,at least i have my Smurfs.i'm a Smurf Village addict now.every now and then i will go to my village and check if there's anything to harvest.pathetic,yet interesting.

friends around me asked why i didnt booked a ticket to go somewhere,since my "misi bulan tiga" is gone.heck.how i wish i can escape from this situation.i made a promise and now i cant break it.salah satu ciri orang munafik okay jika memungkiri janji.

i bought INFINITE's Paradise album and it reached home safely.haha.called rumah and mak cakap;

"ni ada parcel untuk dikyan.nak bukak tak tgk ada apa?"

"bukak la mak.lepas tu send gambaq kat bbm eh"

received a picture,and i never thought i can smile for 15 minutes while staring at it.u guys won't understand anyway.it's okay.

he is HOYA.one of man i want to marry if he is a muslim.hahaha.bye.

a 4th year medical student.

these past 2 days had been too stressful for me.i never felt like this before.

and i am officially a 4th year medical students.alhamdulillah,all praise to Allah.but i barely feel like one.i don't have the confidence.i don't even believe in my skills in this field.and by making this decision along with some other friends,i think we made a good decision.

it's for our own good.Allah knows what best for us.

will be having a short break starting from 15th October till 24th October.short ke tuh?nak balik Malaysia tapi tiket mahal la jugak.and Mak will freaked out!but she should feel happy!i'm home!what else can she asked for?

rindu Qaseh and Aqeef!those 2 babies mesti makin membesar!

okay i think i used too much exclamation marks.

because of too much stress and works,i cried a lot tonight.and that,my friend,was how my day ends.

untuk kamu

Tuhan tak cipta dunia sepenuh ini untuk aku bersendiri.

fate

it's all end when you see me in her.and those five years are nothing now.

rindu

Track: I Only Learned Bad Things;B1A4

i love Gongchan of B1A4.kekeke.his voice is beyond awesome.

oh it's 1.30 am as i'm writing these down.urgh.first internal is on this monday.life is good.couldn'tbe better =.="

banyak sungguh la benda nak kena cover untuk first internal ni.i wonder how will i manage when it comes to final.and macam biasa,bila call rumah,ayat mak abah ayat piawai;

"Malaysia boleh.Dikyan pun boleh!"

serious ayat piawai.maybe sebab banyak sangat tests and exams sampai mak abah pun dah start hilang ayat nak bagi dekat anak diorang yang seorang ni.hailaaa.

by the way,mak pesan suruh belikan baju comel-comel untuk Qaseh and Aqeef.haha.kalau yang tu,takpe.jangan lah risau..silap haribulan,aku pergi shopping baju baby bagi release tension ni kang..

and mak bagitau satu berita kurang best.tahun ni maybe tak cukup ahli keluarga dalam gambar raya.Tahun lepas Kak Nena dekat Sheffield,so takde dalam gambar family time raya.tahun ni pun sama la jugak dengar ceritanya.ingatkan boleh la penuh semua tahun ni.haishh.tak best la macam niiiiiiiiiiiiiii.orang nak ramai-ramai.

oh tahun ni mak kata macam biasa; "kitorg takkan buat biskut raya ke apa.semua tunggu dikyan balik baru depa nak buat."

memang macam tu pun tiap-tiap tahun.tukang buat biskut raya,kek raya,puding raya..Azian Hana lah orangnya.yang merengek nak beli serbuk koko,coklat tabur,tepung naik sendiri cap Blue Key,aku lah orangnya.sebab part lain,orang lain yang cover.

Kak Nena dengan Kak Nie selalu handle bahagian ketupat,rendang dengan lauk untuk raya pertama.

DikLin tukang tukar langsir,basuh tingkap.kira bahagian interior design laaa..

Abah mesti kena kerah sapu laman,cuci longkang..

Aloi dengan Nabihah jadi tukang sibuk.sentuh sana sikit,sentuh sini sikit.jadi tukang rasa rendang apa semua.

Azian Hana dah sah2 kena iron baju raya SEMUA orang.dengan cari butang baju melayu untuk abah dengan anak teruna sorang tu.haish.

mak? of course la jadi madam besar..duduk atas kerusi mengarah itu ini dekat anak dara dia 4 orang ni.

ayat wajib mak tiap-tiap tahun time nak raya;

"apa la guna nya mak teran serlah anak dara 4 orang,kalau semua benda mak nak kena buat"

"mak dulu umuq 10 tahun dah pandai buat ketupat palaih tau dak?hangpa sekarang ni umur dah 20 lebih pun tak berapa nak tau buat"

tapi tahun ni lain kot sikit.mak dah warn awal-awal.

"memandangkan mak mesti sibuk dengan Aqeef.Kak Nie mesti sibuk dengan Qaseh.maka dah sah2 semua kerja akan jatuh ke bahu Azian Hana dan Azlin Shuhada.anggap aja lamacamni preparation nak jumpa mak mentuaaaaa.hahahaha"

tahniah diklin,kita bakal jadi buruh kasar tahun ni.haih.

apa apa pun,masih rindu dengan Ramadhan 2009.mungkin sebab tahun tu satu keluarga puasa,berbuka dan tarawikh sama-sama sampai habis Ramadhan.semoga Ramadhan yang kurang dari sebulan ni,jadi Ramadhan yang lebih baik untuk semua.

the broken promises

Track; Jar of Hearts;Christina Perri

"Who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around

If I am anywhere to be found

But I have grown too strong

To ever fall back in your arms"

sadly,those frustrating emotions are coming back to me,now that i'm not busy anymore.i shouldn't listen to this song.

i blame Arif Jo for making me listen to this song again.cisssssss...whatever.

oh,SECRET GARDEN 2011 IS DONE!and Aaron performance was AWESOME!i miss the old him who used to sing stupid and silly songs for me.those nice,simple stupid songs played when we were in an iStore.good old days eyh.

*okay kalau dia baca mesti terharu.kahkahkah*

menangis sekaranggggggggggggggggggggggg.

okay.all i need is a good rest.i'll wake up at 3pm tomorrow.kekeekee