habis.pengakhiran.

5 tahun lepas, tarikh yang sama aku bakal pergi tinggalkan India selama-lamanya (kalau mak tak bising nak beli saree lagi). 10th October 2008-10th October 2013.

5 tahun.
bukan sekejap. tapi tak lama. faham?

tak faham biarkan. benda benda macam ini,yang melibatkan hati perasaan memang susah nak tafsir. maka kita biarkan.

harap-harap nya Azian Hana jadi lebih matang, dan jadi orang baru lepas balik Malaysia ni. sebab sepatutnya 5 tahun tu dah boleh bentuk diri sendiri. umur pun dah nak menjangkau setengah abad. kan?



diam.



ni dah balik Malaysia, boleh renung langit lama-lama balik. duduk dekat India langit tak berapa nak berbintang. atau tak berapa nak feel bila kau dongak langit cari bintang,yang kau jumpa ialah asap kelabu sama bunyi keretapi berdentum dentum ketuk gegendang telinga kau. kan?


back to the root.
back to who i'm supposed to be with.

family.

too many mosquitoes.i cannot sleep!

it's been awhile people. it's been awhile.





so... i have another 40 days before my final MBBS exam. how time flies fast / sigh/ well i got to finish what i started. this is the time to prove to myself that i can do this! 

anyway.. remember when i wrote in my past entries about how i want to go to Seoul/South Korea so bad it hurts? well...i went there twice already. yeah! went there in October 2012 and the latest trip was last June. please don't ask me why am i so interested in Korea. i can give you thousands reasons,yet you will still be sceptical and told me i only went there for Kpop (well,that was one of the many reasons for those trips but i do have another beneficial reasons in my mind so..yeah.)


and before the June trip to Korea,i went to Singapore. well..that was pure kpop-intentional-trip, and one of the spontaneous trips i've gone through. like the last June trip to Seoul..that was spontaneous too. made up my mind within 2 days,booked a ticket,and flew over there,right after i finished my Emergency Medicine exam. 

Singapore was.... fine. but Seoul trip was more than GREAT! 

i'll put some pictures so you won't get bored with my rants (but you're the one who choose to read this?) 

4 of us went to Coffee Cojjee (one of kpop idols's cafe and there's a popular salon situated above the cafe).We went there not to see the idols,but just to have a sip of the coffee and the yogurt smoothie of this cafe. they are so delicious.the taste of its berries smoothies still lingers in my mouth,i almost gone crazy while typing this / sigh/ 

this picture was taken at one of MangoSix cafe at Sinsadong area. the Korean woman is my friend,J eonni (eonni = sister) / oh i miss being in Sinsadong -.- / 

this was one of the street performances we saw.this was in Ehwa Woman University area. me and my friends were so freaking tired from walking and shopping in that area,so we decided to sit down and listen to this performance. the guy in red cardigan with tambourine is cute though. ahaha 

this was at Han River,waiting for the sunset,while eating ddeobokki (rice cake.go google i'm too lazy to explain) and some takoyaki / they were delicious T^T / and of course.... snacks and banana milk! the ambience during this time was so peaceful,i almost made up my mind to migrate to Seoul in few years -.-

and of course..... CUBE Cafe! this is like the must-go-place for me.but whatever. i have nothing to say about this because i admit it,the sole reason i went here was to see kpop idols. well,i managed to greet Hyunah (again,go google). 

okay this was me and Sya. walao..look how tired i was.those eyebags and eyes..barely opened! haha this was while walking/strolling in some random streets in Seoul,i think. but i look flawless so..yeay! / slap myself/ i'm sorry -.-

one of the many love-locks at Namsan Tower.it is said that if you put love locks on the fences of Namsan Tower,your love will remained forever. i did put one lock on the fence at this tower.i know believing in such things is kurafat. but let's take it easy. isn't it nice to come back to this place and reminiscence about all the good memories i had with my friends during this trip? right? so i made one. not for my future-anything,but for me and my friends who got involved in this crazy-money consuming-time consuming-energy depleting-spontaneous-trip. 

i must say..my life has been more happier and less stressful after coming back from this trip. i finally realise that travelling is really my 'thing'. i get to know my own potentials (mind you, travelling in a country where 90% of its citizen don't know how to speak/even understand english IS hard.Thank God for all those k-dramas and kpop songs,i at least know what to speak and what not to ask to Korean people). and the most important thing is..i know that i can not be stuck with being a boring,no-fun doctor for my whole life. i learned what moderation is, i learned how to be a better person by knowing different kinds of people during this trips,and i made a whole lot of new friends. really. and as for the behind stories of how do i learned all this things...let me just keep it to myself. because if i was to tell each one of them,it will take a very long time,a every long post,that will bore you to death. hehehe 

so... just let me come out of these memories of seoul first.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

okay.i'm out. 

it's 40 days before final MBBS exam..and i'm not fully ready to be a doctor yet. but i believe that my God will not leave me and i'm doing my best.i will pull through this and gain success! 

dear self.... please don't give up on yourself! you can do this! 파이팅! 

apa ada

sekarang posting Pediatrics. gembira sebab aku memang suka budak-budak. sedih sebab kesian tengok si anak kecil menangis mengongoi kesakitan. dua hari lepas tinjau wad kecemasan sekejap. ada satu baby tak boleh bernafas. doctor kata a known patient of heart disease.

kesian. si ibu meleleh airmata tengok si anak kecil seusia 6 bulan ditusuk jarum. aku nak mintak jarum buat practice ambik darah pun tak sampai hati.

kesian. si ayah tegak berdiri mematung. tidak melihat langsung si anak. dan tidak langsung melihat si isteri yang menangis.apatah lagi memeluk memberi kekuatan.

kenapa?

sebab si anak usia 6 bulan itu PEREMPUAN.

di India,anak perempuan itu beban. kesusahan di masa mendatang.

aku terus blah dari situ. dengan sebak di dada. dengan persoalan "kenapa tak mahu diusahakan untuk anak itu berbakti di kemudian hari?"



*diam*



jadi syukurlah kita-kita ini yang masih di sayang ayah. syukurlah kita masih atau pernah punya ayah yang masih mahu menghantar kita-kita ini ke sekolah,ke luar berjumpa kawan,hatta ke kedai membeli jajan. syukurlah walau tak tertunjuk di perlakuan.


syukur dan doakan.




*diam*




sebenarnya aku rindu abah.

how should i say this?

susah jadi anak gadis ni.

Raya pertama,mak tengok gambar raya kau dengan kawan-kawan perempuan aje.okay lagi.belum bebel apa-apa lagi. steady.

masuk raya kedua,mak dah tanya;

"eh tak nampak pun kawan-kawan lelaki.tak ada ke kawan laki kat sana?"

raya ke tiga,dia nampak gambar kawan yang dah berpunya tu upload gambar dengan cik abang dia.

ah sudah. gelabah cicak aku.tambah-tambah bila dengar suara makcik makcik sedara kat tepi mak,duk soksek soksek bertanya itu ini. "udah ada orang ke die tu?" "takkan le belum ada,umur dah lanjut" "kalau takde lagi,aku ada sorang anak kawan aku ni"

lanjut apa makcik oi aku baru 23 tahun. yang emak pun satu. nak di lawan kata dia,serba salah. nanti tak pasal-pasal jadi batu kena sumpah dengan emak. kenapa la emak tak relax macam abah.

...

"nanti balik tak bulan 10?balik sekejap pun jadi la.mak rindu la."

tak.

"kalau balik boleh tolong mak kat rumah."

dah adik aku kat rumah tu tak tolong mak ke.

"kalau Yan ada meriah sikit rumah"

pelik.ni dah kenapa mak aku ni.

"lagipun Makcik Esah cakap anak laki dia yang duduk Aussie tu pun balik jugak.dia pun teringin nak jumpa mak."


aku dah agak.kalau tak berkumandang cadangan cadangan sumbang macam ni tiap kali telefon rumah,memang tak sah.


kenapa la kakak-kakak aku semua pergi kahwin awal. payah. memang payah.

the wind that blows me away

"I saw the different things you did,
But always you yourself you hid.
I felt you push, I heard you call,
I could not see yourself at all"

i should have accepted your request. that way my smile will stay and i won't be this sad.

Hello and Goodbye

it's Monday,so let me whine about last week tragedy.

so many bad news in the past week. first,my exam marks went missing.because the clerk misplaced them so things were so messy, till the doctor decided to re-do the exam. and it's MEDICINE. i knew about the exam at 11.30am and the exam was supposed to start at 2.30pm. u do the maths then. i have to prepare my mind(and heart) for the exam.it was such a short notice.last minute decision by the doctors.

did my viva with the doctor,everything went smoothly until the doctor asked me what happened with my previous marks.how can they went missing without a trace. i felt so sad at that time,and depressed too,so i cried. i cried in front of the doctor. shame on you AzianHana.

i thought i was going to fail the exam, but Alhamdulillah, i passed it,even with just 7.5/10. 

and then i got involved with an accident the day before the exam,twice in one week. had some bruises here and there on my bodies,but still able to attend classes,futsal and netball practices.

on last Saturday, the Summer Sweat 2012 started and alhamdulillah,again, we managed to get into the finals for futsal and netball.

and we won the gold for both futsal and netball. went home with a smile on my face, and bruises on my body. 

so,at the end, what i can say is, life is unfair,but God is good. 

will be praying hard for a better week then :)

p/s : i miss home.

get real.

"Love is indeed a wonderful emotion, accorded to the humanity by God, but it is important to distinguish whether that love is real or not, and to consider who it is directed to, and what sentiments it is founded on"


Romanticism : A weapon of Satan, page 14.


i was being unnecessarily busy with the exams, kpop and daily routines, till i have no time to sit and think. and it's about time to read some useful books and feed myself with good thoughts. 

this rain,will it stop?

i like drinking coffee alone, and reading alone.
i like riding my scooter alone, and walking at the park alone.
i like eating alone, and listening to music alone.
it gives me time to think, to set my mind free.

and i love playing in the rain alone.

but when i see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with her best friend, i realize that even though i like being alone, i don't fancy being alone.

the sky is beautiful, but the people are sad.

i just need someone who won't run away. someone who will stand with me in the rain, and smiles while watching me being the silly me.

"Rain always falls so it will repeat again..When it stops, that’s when I will stop as well"

tak balik raya?

tidak akan balik beraya di Malaysia tahun. tahun ini bakal aidilfitri bersama rendang ayam tanpa daun kunyit. takkan ada ketupat palas. semua bakal jadi 3 in 1.

sebab tahun ni tak balik raya. housemates semua pun tak balik raya,so tak ada lah terkilan sangat kalau tak balik.

the problem is, dah janji dengan mak abah nak balik raya nanti. and takkan balik untuk cuti 3 minggu bulan oktober nanti.

hujung minggu bila call rumah, tak berani nak bagi tahu mak yang anak nombor 3 ni tak jadi balik raya.

T.T

raya tahun ni bakal jadi meriah. sebab apa? sebab tahun ni balik raya di Kedah. yes Kedah yang ada Mak Tam yang paling pandai buat laksam and rendang daging hitam. ada Mak Su yang cake coklat dia memang tip top. ada Pak Ndak yang ketupat palas dia paling lemak dan enak antara semua ketupat yang aku pernah makan. and ada family.

nanti jealous tengok gambar family beraya tanpa diri sendiri.tapi macam mana? sedih lah kalau macam ni.

OSCAR

posted in Obstetric and Gynaecology department for 2 months.and this is the end of 2 weeks already.time sure flies fast.and to be honest,this is the department i've been waiting for all this time.it's the busiest but the most exciting department,despite the fact that the doctors are no where to be found whenever needed.they are just so busy!and that added some more spices to this posting.

i never have an ambition before.i got into medic because my mom wanted me to and i don't know any other courses,except for medic,engineering,art and literature.i once insisted on literature,but my mother was so persistent,i can't even say no to her.

but years later,i found myself immersed in a whole new and exciting world.where people lives were saved.

yes,i might complained about this and that,but still,i love to be a doctor. a great and reliable doctor. inshaAllah.


p/s: will finished my MBBS in October 2013.that's one and a half year from now. i'm hoping for the best! :)

plastic

semalam aku bukak satu link di facebook.gambar artis korea,yang di upload oleh orang Melayu,Islam di Malaysia.dalam bahagian komen,penuh dengan ayat caci maki artis tu;

"eleh,plastic je semua ni.u olls jangan la terpedaya"

"boleh la cantik macam ni kalau dah cucuk sana,cucuk sini."

"tu hidung dia tu palsu la tu.tajam gile kot.tak mungkin ah cantik macam ni.konfem buat plastic surgery!"

"eeeee plastic!ptuih!"

pelik.sumpah aku pelik.

persoalan aku satu; apa perlu nya kau kutuk artis tu?

aku di sini bukan mempertahankan artis tu.cuma aku pelik.

biarlah artis tu nak buat pembedahan plastic satu badan sekali pun,yang kau nak tambah dosa kutuk orang tu kenapa?

atau kau jealous kau tak boleh jadi cantik macam tu?

*diam*

kau agak agak; kalau Tuhan tak kata ubah mana-mana tubuh badan,(kecuali atas sebab sebab kesihatan),tu berdosa...kau nak ubah tak muka kau jadi cantik?

mesti nak. jangan tipu.

lepas tu aku scroll lagi kat bawah.ada satu orang cina Singapore ni,pergi tanya soalan;

"why meh orang Islam tak boleh buat plastic surgery?"

tak berjawab soalan tu.ada la satu dua tulis; "dosa.berdosa"

*diam*

kalau betul kau tahu itu dosa,kenapa tak dijelaskan kenapa berdosanya ubah kecantikan fizikal macam tu?

paling tidak cakap lah;

"berdosa.Tuhan tak bagi ubah apa-apa sebab kami dah cukup cantik.dan kami cukup gembira dengan apa yang Tuhan kami bagi"

*diam*

kadang kadang aku rasa orang Malaysia paling kelakar :/

i knew it.

Qaseh dah pandai berjalan.Aqeef dah pandai memanjat sana sini.can't wait for holidays.will pinched those chubby cheeks everyday!

and i have exams on next monday,tuesday,friday,saturday.

and also on the next next monday,tuesday,wednesday and thursday.

the never ending exams in the life of a medic student.

p/s: one of my seniors wrote his as her fb status; ' i lost my first patient today.i'm sorry.really really sorry'

that,is the dark side of being a doctor.bukan senang nak selamatkan orang lain =.="

kaya

bagi kau,apa maksud susah?

adakah ini;

tidak tidur malam belajar semata lulus exam?

adakah ini;

mengemis di tepi jalan menghulur tangan untuk sesuap nasi?

adakah ini;

berpanas terik di sawah demi anak-anak?

adakah ini;

melihat dia gembira dengan gadis lain?

adakah ini;

darah berlumuran di badan setelah negara di bedil dengan bom dari angkasa?

bagi aku; entah.setiap orang Tuhan cipta beza-beza.untuk ditafsir maksud susah,harus di beri kebebasan kepada diri sendiri.

p/s: a friend of mine claimed that she is poor and i'm rich.just because she saw me using certain gadjets that she can't buy.i bet she don't know the meaning of poor itself.

p/p/s: aku tak kaya.mak ayah aku tak kaya.tidak pernah kaya.kalau miskin itu kau tafsir guna kemampuan membeli barang-barang mahal,maka kau salah.

attempt

i made a thinly veiled attempt to fit in the society around me.

it was a total failure.i don't give a damn anymore.

menemui ayahbunda

kalau diingatkan tentang saya--

fikirkan di mana ditinggal saya;

bersama serangga-serangga kecil,

bersama matahari yang tak mongil,

bulan yang tak mau memandang saya,

semua yang tak mempeduli saya.

di mana ayah

di mana bunda

di waktu saya meminta?

dengan membayangi suara anak yang dibuangtepi, dengan seolah mendengar mereka membisik pada sang ayahbunda yang membiari mereka terbiar situ. tulisan ini terlalu picisan dan mungkin tak mengesan apa2 dan s

iapa2. cuma semoga, datang hari, habislah binatang

kita dalam diri ini.

yang di atas ini adalah cebisan puisi Fynn Jamal tajuknya Menemui Ayahbunda.ada kawan-kawan aku kata kak Fynn kalau baca puisi,macam orang gila.menakutkan,dan tidak masuk akal.tapi aku peduli apa.selagi otak aku boleh relate,aku dengar.

"And when the female (infant) buried alive (as the pagan Arabs used to do) shall be questioned: (8) For what sin she was killed? (9)"

at-Takweer ; 8 & 9.

dan lepas posting O&G di India ni,mana-mana doktor yang maklumkan ibu ayah tentang jantina anak di dalam kandungan,akan dikenakan tindakan.lepas delivery aja doktor boleh bagitahu jantina baby.

dan aku pernah saksikan sendiri seorang ayah,yang di awal proses delivery,semasa isterinya masuk ke dewan bersalin,berubah watak.

dari seorang yang gembira,tidak sabar mahu memegang bayi sendiri,kepada seorang yang membenci anak sendiri,dan isteri yang penat bertarung melahirkan seorang bayi PEREMPUAN.

hanya disebabkan bayi itu perempuan.

dan di kalangan keluarga aku juga,ada yang tak boleh melahirkan.aku nampak derita dia,bertarung emosi untuk boleh melahirkan.masih gagal sampai sekarang.yang berdoa berusaha siang malam,tidak dikabulkan permintaan nya.

yang tidak mahu tetapi boleh melahirkan,tidak pernah minta,terus dapat.

dan hasil dibuang di mana-mana.lantai,longkang,jalanraya,tong sampah.

benci.sungguh aku benci.

p/s: ini jadi bila aku buka berita online di pagi-pagi hari.to wake up and reading such unpleasant news is horrible.and knowing that such things happen in your own country is horrible times 2.

bye.

kilang ulat

so,we went to the silk factory.kilang ulat,sebenarnya.

sebab kami terlalu bosan duduk di rural area tu.maka,di satu tengahari yang panas berbahang,16 orang gadis melangkah ke kilang ulat,terletak kira-kira 200 meter dari hospital tu.

mula-mula semua macam cuak dengan ulat2 yg meliuk lentuk tu,tapi akhirnya ada lah beberapa wakil tunjuk berani main pegang-pegang tabur tabur ulat tu.

1 kg of these = rs 500 = almost rm50

this uncle is a Muslim.and if you are wondering what was he doing,well,he scattered the ulat into that round container.he said he was letting the ulat to rest,get some sunlight and produce the cotton-like substance.

some of my friends were brave enough to help this uncle.and i did try to touch the caterpillar,and it feels like a....marshmallow.soft,and spongy.but ALIVE. urgh.

so much ulat(s). *screams*

just when i thought that the nightmare was over,my friends insisted on entering the house/kilang/whatever place it was called as, just to see another thousands of caterpillars.luckily i have Farina,who stayed with my through thick and thin *eceh* .both of us are afraid/geli with ulat.

tadah! welcome to the house of horror! there were like 6/7 stacks of these,in one cabinet.and they have like..10 of cabinets? i'm not sure.i was busing checking my toes,ready to attack if any of the caterpillars manage to escape and come to me.

it was a great experience,despite the fact that i went back with a zero knowledge about silk making or whatever,because i was too busy jumping and running around,escaping from these little creatures.and also avoiding the naughty boys and girls in that village who tried to hand me some of these caterpillars.ergh.

i'll post another pictures of these later.

burnt

to believe everything will be alright,without making any efforts,is called as delusion.

there's no such thing as alright.nothing will be perfect.no one will ever be a perfect person. but there's always rooms for improvements along the way to perfection.

and to believe that you can achieve all this,without any dependance to your god,is ridiculous.

love.hate.death.fate.

they are not up to us to decide,but God.

sayur.

february is going to end soon.and i just can;t wait to finish this rural psychiatry posting.what i don't like about it is,the journey to go to the rural hospital. took me one and half hour to reach there.and India,being the most 'incredible' country,has the most bumpy roads ever.

aku rasa macam sayur tiap kali turun bas lepas sampai kat hospital tu.

and kalau dah jadi sayur,macam mana la nak stay focused and letak stethoscope kat badan orang.rentak jantung orang pun aku dah dengar macam kuah masak lemak mendidih dalam kuali.

tapi harap harapnya,bermula dari hari esok yang bakal cerah dan ceria *ayat minta penampar* akan ku gagahkan diri untuk tak menjadi sayur.lagipun cobaan ini hanyalah sebulan.tak mengapa.demi rakyat-rakyat india yang miskin dan dalam kesusahan,aku sabarkan hati.manalah tahu nanti dah start HO kena posted kat bahagian yang pedalaman sikit.bukan kampung,pedalaman.mark my word. kang tuduh aku berlagak kaya pulak kannnn.

eh btw,nina and marbeck,this is for you two.

thank you for being there.thank you for listening to me weeping and crying all the way from bangalore.yes i was being a crybaby that day.but i failed the exam.i have the rights to cry,kan?thank god for giving these 2 precious people to me.

and nina,walaupun kau terharu dengan ayat aku,aku still nak sepak kaki kau time jumpa bulan 4 nanti. i know u'll be reading this.ahahah.

stress

my ceiling fan has exploded and caused a big,terrible mess in the house.and i failed the exam on the same day.

pretty much in a depressed state right now.

black swan

today is Nabihah's birthday.sorry my little sister.i can't be there on your birthday.but your present lagi 2 minggu sampai.

dia dah 9 tahun,tapi aku pernah celebrate birthday dia sekali aje.sad,isn't it?fakta ni buat aku sedar yang aku memang sikit spent masa berkualiti dengan family.being away in a boarding school must be one of the reasons.dan bergelumang dengan buku semenjak tingkatan 1 sampailah sekarang,memang buat aku tak cukup masa nak puaskan hati family aku.

and i can't picture myself in another 5 years from now.

bila cakap pasal ni kat mak dengan abah,diorang pujuk cakap it's okay.memang macam tu la kalau nak hidup senang berbakti kat mak abah nanti.and abah sweet sangat pujuk cakap dia nak keluar pergi memancing ikan puyu nak buat pekasam untuk anak degil dia ni.sweet sangat abah!

ni apehal pulak aku bantai melankolik tetengah malam ni? *sepak muka sendiri*

and selama 2 hari ni,telah ponteng kelas dengan jayanya.bukan apa.dah 2 malam berturut turut dah kena asthmatic attack.nasib baik ada inhaler kat tepi katil,kalau tak...

and disebabkan tak cukup tidur,maka aku sungguh tak larat nak ke kelas.nasib baik la eventhough tengah posting Medicine yang scary tu sekarang,tapi disebabkan banyak SDL (self directed learning),maka boleh la berehat sikit.walaupun nanti nak kena cover balik segala benda yang tertinggal.and to tell you the truth,i'm not a hardworking one.selalu belajar last minute.selalu ketinggalan dalam membuat nota.orang lain dah tebal 3 inci nota diorang,aku baru 3 helai A4.tapi aku percaya,kejayaan tidak diukur mengikut tebalnya nota atau bilangan A's dalam exam.(tetiba)

it's all about how you define the success itself.

eceh.alasan tak boleh blah.cakap je kau malas,ayam.

tapi serious.susah hati woo tengok housemates stay up berjam jam,and sambung study time pagi tu.aku?atas katil pagi petang siang malam.sungguh tak bagus.kadang-kadang,amat jealous dengan determination yang ada dalam diri housemates.macam mana boleh fokus baca buku duduk kat tempat yang sama for hours?!

mari lihat pattern belajar aku selama setengah jam itu;

9:00 pm ; bukak buku.

9:03 pm ; bukak index kat belakang buku cari tajuk nak baca.

9:05 pm ; jumpa.baca..baca..baca..

9:10 pm ; mata layu.check facebook la kejap.

9:17 pm ; damn. tengok buku balik.

9:20 pm ; reply bbm

9:22 pm ; baca buku balik.

9:28 pm ; ada orang mention kat twitter.check la kejap sape yang gatal mention tu.

9:30 pm ; dah tak boleh nak masuk kalau baca pun.tutup buku pergi rumah sebelah kacau orang lain yg tengah tekun belajar.

1:30 am ; tidur.

tengok.tengok.ape ntah aku buat.

ni kalau abah dengan mak tahu ni,dah lama kena tibai.