the wind that blows me away

"I saw the different things you did,
But always you yourself you hid.
I felt you push, I heard you call,
I could not see yourself at all"

i should have accepted your request. that way my smile will stay and i won't be this sad.

That little star twinkling above, comforting me.

i had this particular habit,that i developed for past years. but it has stopped for almost 2 years now. started during form 3 in my secondary school.

what was it?

look up to the sky and counting the stars and god's blessings upon me.

but ever since i moved into my current apartment during my second year in India,i've stopped doing that. i don't know why and how i stopped from doing that.

and now, i'm regretting my decision.

back then,when i looked up and counted all the stars,i always felt this satisfaction, the feeling u felt when u managed to overcome something. let me tell you something. i've been keeping this as my darkest secret,but i guess it's safe to tell about it now.

i suffered an illness,a serious one, the one where i need to take medications on time,without fail and making various appointment with the doctors.and i had a very serious crisis in my family. and one of the causes is me. my illness. it wasn't an easy ride for all of us. all family members get involved, tears flowing out everywhere,everyday,every single day. the arguments in the family was the worst i've ever seen, and i felt like God is too cruel to me. i always questioned, if God is the one who will always help us,then why does God treats us like this? why me? why my family? and i went through my PMR with a lot of medications,self motivating books,and counseling from my friend. a friend. i must say.

a year later, i was free from the illness,and the doctors even confirmed with my parents that i'm all okay and may continued my usual life. and my family also got better. well, not in our best conditions, but at least there were not any shoutings,tears or fights anymore.

all was good until i got the illness back. during my first month in the final year as secondary student,sitting for SPM that year.

my mom was worried sick. my father was able to contain his feelings. i feel bad for the whole family,as i thought, 'am i going to wreck this family again? will i break their hearts again?" and most importantly, will i be able to go through all of this without fail? the pain i've suffered for 2 years are too painful, and mom brought me to anyone who knows (or might knows) what to do with my illness. everyone. u name it. various appointment were scheduled again, skipping classes again, and the series of "i'm-okay-don't worry-there's-nothing-wrong-with-me" excuses kept coming out from my mouth. we went all the way to Singapore to try everything they could do. and u maybe know nothing about this,but my family isn't rich, but we are not poor either. just enough money to make the living at that time. so i felt like i'm such a burden to my family,and i'm not the only child in my family. they were 6 of us at that time.

this time around,the 'thing' spread like crazy. i can't even do anything about it. always fainting in the class. my family even made secret visits to my hostel to check on me.my mom was so furious,she even sold her gold bracelets and everything,just to prepare,in case i need the big amount of money for the treatment. luckily,the operation was not needed,and with Allah's will, i went through a series of check ups, and with bottles of medications, pills in various colors, i managed to go through my SPM.

and 2 months after my SPM, i went to Makkah for umrah, and that's where i found the answers to my questions.

i didn't put my faith and hopes to Allah. i may put it,but not 100%.

upon reaching Malaysia 2 weeks later,after came back from Makkah, the doctors told me that i need to underwent surgery,but i still have other options. but the other one was a long,painful option.

and my mom,who was too afraid to put this useless child of hers onto the operation table,agreed to the second option. i was so naive and clueless at that time,so i just went with my mom's decision.

and Alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah alhamdulillah, Allah has yet put another mercy upon me,and graces me with his miracle. 6 months of painful series of treatment, i'm once again free from that thing.

and here i am, alive and breathing healthily. and selfishly, for always forgetting about the mercies given by my one and only God.

and from that moment onwards, i've always put my faith and 'kebergantungan' unto Allah as my priority,and He never fails to grant my wish. and i've learned that Allah and your own family are the ones you truly need.

and now,i feel like recreating my old habit. look up to the sky and count the stars and Allah's blessings upon me. and Thank Allah for all the things that came into my life for all these years,both good and bad things.

"You found me faster than the time I take to blink, you are indeed closer to me than my own jugular vein"

p/s: there's no such intention as 'membuka pekung didada' or whatever u might want to call this,but i just have this sudden urge to write this,since Ramadhan is coming in few days,so this is kind of a reflection for me.whenever i feel like complaining or anything,i will surely come here and read this,so that i'm reminded of all blessings i ever had in my life. stop complaining,and do something. Allah is with you. forever. and closer that your own jugular vein.

Hello and Goodbye

it's Monday,so let me whine about last week tragedy.

so many bad news in the past week. first,my exam marks went missing.because the clerk misplaced them so things were so messy, till the doctor decided to re-do the exam. and it's MEDICINE. i knew about the exam at 11.30am and the exam was supposed to start at 2.30pm. u do the maths then. i have to prepare my mind(and heart) for the exam.it was such a short notice.last minute decision by the doctors.

did my viva with the doctor,everything went smoothly until the doctor asked me what happened with my previous marks.how can they went missing without a trace. i felt so sad at that time,and depressed too,so i cried. i cried in front of the doctor. shame on you AzianHana.

i thought i was going to fail the exam, but Alhamdulillah, i passed it,even with just 7.5/10. 

and then i got involved with an accident the day before the exam,twice in one week. had some bruises here and there on my bodies,but still able to attend classes,futsal and netball practices.

on last Saturday, the Summer Sweat 2012 started and alhamdulillah,again, we managed to get into the finals for futsal and netball.

and we won the gold for both futsal and netball. went home with a smile on my face, and bruises on my body. 

so,at the end, what i can say is, life is unfair,but God is good. 

will be praying hard for a better week then :)

p/s : i miss home.

get real.

"Love is indeed a wonderful emotion, accorded to the humanity by God, but it is important to distinguish whether that love is real or not, and to consider who it is directed to, and what sentiments it is founded on"


Romanticism : A weapon of Satan, page 14.


i was being unnecessarily busy with the exams, kpop and daily routines, till i have no time to sit and think. and it's about time to read some useful books and feed myself with good thoughts. 

this rain,will it stop?

i like drinking coffee alone, and reading alone.
i like riding my scooter alone, and walking at the park alone.
i like eating alone, and listening to music alone.
it gives me time to think, to set my mind free.

and i love playing in the rain alone.

but when i see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with her best friend, i realize that even though i like being alone, i don't fancy being alone.

the sky is beautiful, but the people are sad.

i just need someone who won't run away. someone who will stand with me in the rain, and smiles while watching me being the silly me.

"Rain always falls so it will repeat again..When it stops, that’s when I will stop as well"

greater things are waiting ahead

life has been pretty exciting.

my bronchial asthma is getting worse now,and the doctor actually put me on the steroid therapy. am not very keen on his decision,but i believe he knows better, so i think i better get used to it. 

this is one of Allah's ways of telling me to repent on my sins that i've done in my daily life. so i'm pretty much grateful for this test.

tak balik raya?

tidak akan balik beraya di Malaysia tahun. tahun ini bakal aidilfitri bersama rendang ayam tanpa daun kunyit. takkan ada ketupat palas. semua bakal jadi 3 in 1.

sebab tahun ni tak balik raya. housemates semua pun tak balik raya,so tak ada lah terkilan sangat kalau tak balik.

the problem is, dah janji dengan mak abah nak balik raya nanti. and takkan balik untuk cuti 3 minggu bulan oktober nanti.

hujung minggu bila call rumah, tak berani nak bagi tahu mak yang anak nombor 3 ni tak jadi balik raya.

T.T

raya tahun ni bakal jadi meriah. sebab apa? sebab tahun ni balik raya di Kedah. yes Kedah yang ada Mak Tam yang paling pandai buat laksam and rendang daging hitam. ada Mak Su yang cake coklat dia memang tip top. ada Pak Ndak yang ketupat palas dia paling lemak dan enak antara semua ketupat yang aku pernah makan. and ada family.

nanti jealous tengok gambar family beraya tanpa diri sendiri.tapi macam mana? sedih lah kalau macam ni.