back

you know,
all i want to say is that i have been away for too long,

cause at the end,
it's not our shiny little scalpel that saves lives,
it's Him.

and i am not your superhero.
He is.

apa ada

sekarang posting Pediatrics. gembira sebab aku memang suka budak-budak. sedih sebab kesian tengok si anak kecil menangis mengongoi kesakitan. dua hari lepas tinjau wad kecemasan sekejap. ada satu baby tak boleh bernafas. doctor kata a known patient of heart disease.

kesian. si ibu meleleh airmata tengok si anak kecil seusia 6 bulan ditusuk jarum. aku nak mintak jarum buat practice ambik darah pun tak sampai hati.

kesian. si ayah tegak berdiri mematung. tidak melihat langsung si anak. dan tidak langsung melihat si isteri yang menangis.apatah lagi memeluk memberi kekuatan.

kenapa?

sebab si anak usia 6 bulan itu PEREMPUAN.

di India,anak perempuan itu beban. kesusahan di masa mendatang.

aku terus blah dari situ. dengan sebak di dada. dengan persoalan "kenapa tak mahu diusahakan untuk anak itu berbakti di kemudian hari?"



*diam*



jadi syukurlah kita-kita ini yang masih di sayang ayah. syukurlah kita masih atau pernah punya ayah yang masih mahu menghantar kita-kita ini ke sekolah,ke luar berjumpa kawan,hatta ke kedai membeli jajan. syukurlah walau tak tertunjuk di perlakuan.


syukur dan doakan.




*diam*




sebenarnya aku rindu abah.

how should i say this?

susah jadi anak gadis ni.

Raya pertama,mak tengok gambar raya kau dengan kawan-kawan perempuan aje.okay lagi.belum bebel apa-apa lagi. steady.

masuk raya kedua,mak dah tanya;

"eh tak nampak pun kawan-kawan lelaki.tak ada ke kawan laki kat sana?"

raya ke tiga,dia nampak gambar kawan yang dah berpunya tu upload gambar dengan cik abang dia.

ah sudah. gelabah cicak aku.tambah-tambah bila dengar suara makcik makcik sedara kat tepi mak,duk soksek soksek bertanya itu ini. "udah ada orang ke die tu?" "takkan le belum ada,umur dah lanjut" "kalau takde lagi,aku ada sorang anak kawan aku ni"

lanjut apa makcik oi aku baru 23 tahun. yang emak pun satu. nak di lawan kata dia,serba salah. nanti tak pasal-pasal jadi batu kena sumpah dengan emak. kenapa la emak tak relax macam abah.

...

"nanti balik tak bulan 10?balik sekejap pun jadi la.mak rindu la."

tak.

"kalau balik boleh tolong mak kat rumah."

dah adik aku kat rumah tu tak tolong mak ke.

"kalau Yan ada meriah sikit rumah"

pelik.ni dah kenapa mak aku ni.

"lagipun Makcik Esah cakap anak laki dia yang duduk Aussie tu pun balik jugak.dia pun teringin nak jumpa mak."


aku dah agak.kalau tak berkumandang cadangan cadangan sumbang macam ni tiap kali telefon rumah,memang tak sah.


kenapa la kakak-kakak aku semua pergi kahwin awal. payah. memang payah.

the wind that blows me away

"I saw the different things you did,
But always you yourself you hid.
I felt you push, I heard you call,
I could not see yourself at all"

i should have accepted your request. that way my smile will stay and i won't be this sad.

That little star twinkling above, comforting me.

i had this particular habit,that i developed for past years. but it has stopped for almost 2 years now. started during form 3 in my secondary school.

what was it?

look up to the sky and counting the stars and god's blessings upon me.

but ever since i moved into my current apartment during my second year in India,i've stopped doing that. i don't know why and how i stopped from doing that.

and now, i'm regretting my decision.

back then,when i looked up and counted all the stars,i always felt this satisfaction, the feeling u felt when u managed to overcome something. let me tell you something. i've been keeping this as my darkest secret,but i guess it's safe to tell about it now.

i suffered an illness,a serious one, the one where i need to take medications on time,without fail and making various appointment with the doctors.and i had a very serious crisis in my family. and one of the causes is me. my illness. it wasn't an easy ride for all of us. all family members get involved, tears flowing out everywhere,everyday,every single day. the arguments in the family was the worst i've ever seen, and i felt like God is too cruel to me. i always questioned, if God is the one who will always help us,then why does God treats us like this? why me? why my family? and i went through my PMR with a lot of medications,self motivating books,and counseling from my friend. a friend. i must say.

a year later, i was free from the illness,and the doctors even confirmed with my parents that i'm all okay and may continued my usual life. and my family also got better. well, not in our best conditions, but at least there were not any shoutings,tears or fights anymore.

all was good until i got the illness back. during my first month in the final year as secondary student,sitting for SPM that year.

my mom was worried sick. my father was able to contain his feelings. i feel bad for the whole family,as i thought, 'am i going to wreck this family again? will i break their hearts again?" and most importantly, will i be able to go through all of this without fail? the pain i've suffered for 2 years are too painful, and mom brought me to anyone who knows (or might knows) what to do with my illness. everyone. u name it. various appointment were scheduled again, skipping classes again, and the series of "i'm-okay-don't worry-there's-nothing-wrong-with-me" excuses kept coming out from my mouth. we went all the way to Singapore to try everything they could do. and u maybe know nothing about this,but my family isn't rich, but we are not poor either. just enough money to make the living at that time. so i felt like i'm such a burden to my family,and i'm not the only child in my family. they were 6 of us at that time.

this time around,the 'thing' spread like crazy. i can't even do anything about it. always fainting in the class. my family even made secret visits to my hostel to check on me.my mom was so furious,she even sold her gold bracelets and everything,just to prepare,in case i need the big amount of money for the treatment. luckily,the operation was not needed,and with Allah's will, i went through a series of check ups, and with bottles of medications, pills in various colors, i managed to go through my SPM.

and 2 months after my SPM, i went to Makkah for umrah, and that's where i found the answers to my questions.

i didn't put my faith and hopes to Allah. i may put it,but not 100%.

upon reaching Malaysia 2 weeks later,after came back from Makkah, the doctors told me that i need to underwent surgery,but i still have other options. but the other one was a long,painful option.

and my mom,who was too afraid to put this useless child of hers onto the operation table,agreed to the second option. i was so naive and clueless at that time,so i just went with my mom's decision.

and Alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah alhamdulillah, Allah has yet put another mercy upon me,and graces me with his miracle. 6 months of painful series of treatment, i'm once again free from that thing.

and here i am, alive and breathing healthily. and selfishly, for always forgetting about the mercies given by my one and only God.

and from that moment onwards, i've always put my faith and 'kebergantungan' unto Allah as my priority,and He never fails to grant my wish. and i've learned that Allah and your own family are the ones you truly need.

and now,i feel like recreating my old habit. look up to the sky and count the stars and Allah's blessings upon me. and Thank Allah for all the things that came into my life for all these years,both good and bad things.

"You found me faster than the time I take to blink, you are indeed closer to me than my own jugular vein"

p/s: there's no such intention as 'membuka pekung didada' or whatever u might want to call this,but i just have this sudden urge to write this,since Ramadhan is coming in few days,so this is kind of a reflection for me.whenever i feel like complaining or anything,i will surely come here and read this,so that i'm reminded of all blessings i ever had in my life. stop complaining,and do something. Allah is with you. forever. and closer that your own jugular vein.

Hello and Goodbye

it's Monday,so let me whine about last week tragedy.

so many bad news in the past week. first,my exam marks went missing.because the clerk misplaced them so things were so messy, till the doctor decided to re-do the exam. and it's MEDICINE. i knew about the exam at 11.30am and the exam was supposed to start at 2.30pm. u do the maths then. i have to prepare my mind(and heart) for the exam.it was such a short notice.last minute decision by the doctors.

did my viva with the doctor,everything went smoothly until the doctor asked me what happened with my previous marks.how can they went missing without a trace. i felt so sad at that time,and depressed too,so i cried. i cried in front of the doctor. shame on you AzianHana.

i thought i was going to fail the exam, but Alhamdulillah, i passed it,even with just 7.5/10. 

and then i got involved with an accident the day before the exam,twice in one week. had some bruises here and there on my bodies,but still able to attend classes,futsal and netball practices.

on last Saturday, the Summer Sweat 2012 started and alhamdulillah,again, we managed to get into the finals for futsal and netball.

and we won the gold for both futsal and netball. went home with a smile on my face, and bruises on my body. 

so,at the end, what i can say is, life is unfair,but God is good. 

will be praying hard for a better week then :)

p/s : i miss home.

get real.

"Love is indeed a wonderful emotion, accorded to the humanity by God, but it is important to distinguish whether that love is real or not, and to consider who it is directed to, and what sentiments it is founded on"


Romanticism : A weapon of Satan, page 14.


i was being unnecessarily busy with the exams, kpop and daily routines, till i have no time to sit and think. and it's about time to read some useful books and feed myself with good thoughts.