scary questions

Bismillah..



mode: Through the Glass;Stone Sour.and yeah.scared.



"...you don't have to be ashamed,because you are a miracle,through and through.."

Love is a fast song;Copeland.

someone dedicated this song to me.dinyanyi sendiri oleh dia.

and seriously,do i have to describe my true feelings,setiap kali ditanya?

diam ah ayam.

....


i am scared.as hell.

bukan sebab test medicine on this becoming Thursday,bukan sebab theory paper on this Friday.bukan sebab mungkin kena raya di India tahun ini.


aku tak tahu.


*diam*

....


sekarang aku tanya,berapa ramai antara kamu,yang mengadu nasib kepada ramai orang?dan berapa ramai antara kamu yang pendam peram dulu,kemudian hari bila dah reda baru buka cerita?


jangan bagitahu aku.jawab sendiri dalam hati.


....

sekarang zaman guna duit.betul?

kau nak boifren,ah senang,pakai baju jenama mahal sikit,mekap sikit,jalan lenggok,dan setuju bila di ajak ke sana sini.

kau nak awek?belanja makan tempat mahal,bawak kereta hebat,ayat bagi power sikit,kau dah dapat teman baru.

kau nak result bagus?minta ayah cakap ke orang atasan kementerian,yang kau mahu masuk universiti best di luar negara sana.walau kau tahu,ada orang lain yang lebih layak dan mahu betul betul.kau dapat,sebab ayah kau orang ada duit.

tapi aku mau tanya,betul bahagia bila banyak duit?

mungkin senang hati boleh beli apa saja,buat apa mahu,makan apa teringin.
mungkin lapang hidup kau rasa bila kau naik kereta mahal ada aircond best.

tapi betul kau rasa itu bahagia?

pernah tak kau terkuis hati sendiri bila kau keji sumpah seranah manusia kurang berduit,yang tak macam kau?tak rasa kau kejam?


manusia,walau kau keji dia,walau kau maki dia sebakul penuhnya,walau kau ludah ludah tunjal tunjal dahi dia..


kau dengan dia sama taraf di mata Dia.sama.tak beza.

kau tanah,dia yang kau ludah jugak tanah.
kau mati masuk kubur sorang sorang,dia yang kau benci pun sama.


*diam*


sekarang masih mahu keji kan orang?


maaf.aku terbaca sesuatu.dan iya,aku benci tengok manusia kaya yang suka pandang rendah manusia kurang berduit.

.....


"dah makan?"

"dah"

"dah mandi?"

"dah"

"dah sembahyang?"

"dah"

"kenapa semuanya jawab 'dah'?"

aku tutup clamp shell biru.

berapa kali mau dijelaskan,jangan ditanya aku soalan semacam itu.maaf.aku sudah bosan.aku bukan budak kecil umur 5 tahun yang mahu dimanja dengan soalan soalan semacam itu.


aku tahu kau baca.









ohsorandom: makin hari rasa makin tawar.kena letak garam lebih ke?

bezanya tahun-tahun itu

Bismillah..



mode: sejukkk


i'm officially safe and sound in Bangalore.sampai pukul satu pagi semalam.ouh.beza sungguh Manipal dengan Bangalore.panassss sangat.sejukkkkk sangat.tapi neraka lagi panas.ingat ayam ingat.heh.


tadi ada baca entri satu kakak ni.comel.tiba tiba rasa beruntung jadi perempuan[okay.nampak sangat jarang bersyukur jadi perempuan.haha]

....

bulan 12 tahun ini,insyaAllah akan cecah 20.perasaan?

takut,excited dan teruja.

yelah.dah 20-an weyh.bye bye zaman belasan tahun.haha.macam lah banyak sangat beza kan.

....

bulan 12 tahun depan,kalau panjang umur,dah masuk 21.dan sungguh rasa masih muda remaja,walau semua cakap dah layak jadi bini mak orang.ouh.sungguh geli.

dan tahun depan,masih berada di second year medic.

....

2011 mungkin insyaAllah akan masuk third year.kalau dulu,dengar ayat third year,rasa macam dengar lagu Sheila On 7[wth ayam].tapi sekarang memang ada aura seram sejuk panas berpeluh melekit semacam weyh.

kenapa kau gelabah ayam?


*diam*


entah.tunggu la kalau ada apa apa yang bagus terjadi nanti.sebab kita rancang,Allah tentukan.hiii.sungguh gerun dan takut.

....


"lagi 2 tahun?"

"iya.apehal?"

"tak rasa lambat ke?"

"gilaaaaaaaaaa!!itu pun awal tahap asbestos kot"

"okay.okay.fine."

suara aku naik satu oktaf.cis dia ni.

....


bahagia itu apa?


duit banyak harta berlambak?

keluar bersama sentiasa ceria?

hidup berdiam dalam rumah berbumbung atap nipah,dan hadap semua dengan senyuman?


bahagia itu apa sebenarnya.

jawab.jawab.

aku masih jalan cari jawapan.

....


banyak mahu cakap.tapi tersekat sekat.tak best lah kalau cakap separuh separuh kan?jadi aku diamkan dulu.

nanti mesti meltus keluar jugak.cuma tunggu masa.

....


secara ringkas nya,hidup aku masih berjalan macam biasa.cuma sekarang kena lebih hati hati dan banyak fikir.dengan waras.bukan dengan hati panas.


.....



ohsorandom: macam best la pulak tengok semua orang upgrade window7.nak jugak ah.

dah habis

i'm off to Manipal tonight.

and yes,dah baik balik dengan my other half.

2 is really better than 1,i guess.

haha

the red alarm

there is a girl that i can't live without.[a bit exaggerated though,but true].

sarah khairunisah norhalim.yes.

i just can't live without looking at her picture everyday.i am NOT a lesbian.don't misjudge.but she is just my bestfriend.a word that i take seriously.you may say that bestfriend can be many,but for me,just one.we used to share everything before,but that was a long time ago.

i hate the fact that i would cry or felt touched,everytime i heard certain songs in my iPod.because we did have the memories with all that songs.let them be "rock kapak",english,indonesian or malay songs,either they are cheesy meesy or pop or rock or any genre,we have THAT memories.

after december 2006,i really can't adapted myself to my new life.a life where i can't see her every minute and second.a life where we both live too far from each other.a life where we can just texting each other and have to tell everything through phone.i hate the facts that i am not at the very same place at the very same she's been to.i hate the facts that now we are no longer did things we used to enjoy.i hate it when i had to cry myself to sleep every night,just because i can't really say good night to each other anymore.face to face.if you don't get it.

i hate the fact that there is no one to ask me stupid questions,there is no one to play stupid tricks on me.i hate it when she's not around me anymore,asking me either i have taken my medications or not.

and if not because of her,i might already gone from this world.




and now i'm questioning myself.

did i really lost her??


since the first time i set my foot on India,i knew that it's gonna be hard for me to start fresh with a new life.but i didn't expect it to be this hard.

i just don't know what happened between both of us.she is not telling her stories anymore.and i'm not telling mine,too.i have tons of things to say and spill on her,yet i said nothing.we texted each other,just to say cruel things.and without any doubt,we are hurting our feelings.it's kind of frustating when you wished things would turned up to be the way it should be,but unfortunately,they don't.yes.kita rancang,Allah yang tentukan.but the efforts should come first,before anything happens.


then what sould i say?
what should i do?

stay in silence and just let her go?

or

do i have to do something and save our friendship?

we are totally two different people.in and out.but that brings us closer and closer[once they had,at least].and now i think,if that is the problem between us.


i rally didn't see this problem coming.because i thought that;

"ouh,kali ni mesti macam yang gaduh dulu tu.nanti okay la"

but it was not.


i am talkative,but i don't simply talk about all my feelings with everyone.i don't share everything with everyone.i might sound stupid,but yes,i don't tell my true feelings to everyone.

if i said i'm okay,well,it might be true.and it might be not.because now,all i believe is;

what is the used of asking if you don't really want to know the answer?

because everybody seem to do that.they asked,but they never really waited for the true answer.


please.aku betul sedang jatuh merudum ke bawah.sumpah aku sedih.serious aku rasa macam mahu pecahkan benda berkaca.


diam.

diam.

diam.

dah sejam lebih since aku taip perkataan diam yang terakhir.


and i think,i will just go and call her now.i really can't sleep tonight if i let anything happens between us.

just the thought of losing her,make me scared as hell.

berita terkini

mode: Bidadari;Hijjaz


i'm supposed to read and remember about the brain areas and functions,yet i'm sitting on the chair and doing nothing.haiyooo.


i didn't play truant today.i went to com med tadi.haha.and it was the first class ever that i'm being attentive as much as i can.tak tahu apahal.tapi serious kelas tadi menarik.well,dah belasah makan chicken steak dekat Freskka sampai nak termuntah,takkan tak attentive lagi kottttt.


and thank Allah,tomorrow is Friday.ada posting esok,sampai pukul 5 petang.YEAY!

cis.

aku memang lemau bab bab posting.tapi sebab CNS,maka dirajinkan diri.dan yes.esok ada kelas 4 jam straight.siot.mesti lenguh bontot aku duduk kat kerusi tu esok.ish.


....


somebody is missing in action.and somehow i feel that i need that person.ces.baru ingat nak putus.haha.gatal kau ayam.diam sekarang diam.

but it's kind of comforting jugak bila dia tak contact.rasa macam bebas.ah tau aja lah.aku kan liar.[liar konon.dah la penakut].okay fine.maybe tak liar,tapi i am NOT a person yang selalu nak berkepit,or nak kena tanya tiap tiap hari macam ni;

"u dah makan belum"

sebab perut aku,kau jangan risau.memang on time makan :)

or maybe;

"hari ni u buat apa?"

oh come on.i am a medic student.what else do you expect me to do?fly a helicopter?or pergi berjalan sana sini sesuka hati?aihhh..belajar la bang oi belajar.

see,betapa rimasnya aku kalau kau tanya soalan yang memang jawapan dah trang tang tang ada depan mata.

.....


semalam beli buah nona.2 kg terus.haha.fine.memang selera besar.memang.

.....

tapi tadi time teman Nadh keluar beli barang,erk...you know...nampak something yang makes my heart skips a beat[metafora okay metafora].tapi itu lah.itulah dia.tak tahu nak describe macam mana

:)

....


ingat nak kumpul duit beli DSLR lah.Canon D20 yang dekat rumah,mak tak bagi angkut datang sini.kamera family kononnya.patut lah beli baru,memang dah rancang nak pergi melancong kannn..ah sudah.kejap lagi emo la ni.jangan ayam jangan.

....


weekend ni pergi Manipal.for Lagenda.hopefully everything gonna be alright.and memang tak sabar nak jumpa saudari Poye di Manipal sana.huh.gila babas punya rinduuuu.






ohsorandom: some words are better left unsaid,eyh?

3 days 2 nights vacation(pictures)

baru balik dari ambik motor sementara.and baru habis swimming dalam pool dekat Divya Apartment.gila habis.sejuk nak mampos.

heh.


okay.ni ada gambar orang gemok masuk hospital.

putus ke tidak

mode: Crazier;Taylor Swift



tadi mengamuk dekat kedai scooter.Tuhan aja yang tahu macam mana aku marah tadi.bersorak syaitan di tepi telinga.tapi biar.memang patut dimaki.

aku rindu bestfriend sendiri.tapi tak tahu nak mula dari mana.ah sudah.

esok exam microb.aku akan flunk kan paper tu.sekian.


....


aku sekarang penuh dengan beban beban yang aku terpaksa tanggung.ada satu beban yan paling berat aku rasakan.kawan kawan aku panggil itu nikmat.hoih.gila ke tu nikmat.

aku macam nak putuskan sesuatu.tapi tertahankan.ramai hati yang akan pecah dan retak kalau diputuskan.termasuklah hati aku.

=.='

....


okay.kena belajar.saya student medic lah katakan.rajiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnn.

huh.