the red alarm

there is a girl that i can't live without.[a bit exaggerated though,but true].

sarah khairunisah norhalim.yes.

i just can't live without looking at her picture everyday.i am NOT a lesbian.don't misjudge.but she is just my bestfriend.a word that i take seriously.you may say that bestfriend can be many,but for me,just one.we used to share everything before,but that was a long time ago.

i hate the fact that i would cry or felt touched,everytime i heard certain songs in my iPod.because we did have the memories with all that songs.let them be "rock kapak",english,indonesian or malay songs,either they are cheesy meesy or pop or rock or any genre,we have THAT memories.

after december 2006,i really can't adapted myself to my new life.a life where i can't see her every minute and second.a life where we both live too far from each other.a life where we can just texting each other and have to tell everything through phone.i hate the facts that i am not at the very same place at the very same she's been to.i hate the facts that now we are no longer did things we used to enjoy.i hate it when i had to cry myself to sleep every night,just because i can't really say good night to each other anymore.face to face.if you don't get it.

i hate the fact that there is no one to ask me stupid questions,there is no one to play stupid tricks on me.i hate it when she's not around me anymore,asking me either i have taken my medications or not.

and if not because of her,i might already gone from this world.




and now i'm questioning myself.

did i really lost her??


since the first time i set my foot on India,i knew that it's gonna be hard for me to start fresh with a new life.but i didn't expect it to be this hard.

i just don't know what happened between both of us.she is not telling her stories anymore.and i'm not telling mine,too.i have tons of things to say and spill on her,yet i said nothing.we texted each other,just to say cruel things.and without any doubt,we are hurting our feelings.it's kind of frustating when you wished things would turned up to be the way it should be,but unfortunately,they don't.yes.kita rancang,Allah yang tentukan.but the efforts should come first,before anything happens.


then what sould i say?
what should i do?

stay in silence and just let her go?

or

do i have to do something and save our friendship?

we are totally two different people.in and out.but that brings us closer and closer[once they had,at least].and now i think,if that is the problem between us.


i rally didn't see this problem coming.because i thought that;

"ouh,kali ni mesti macam yang gaduh dulu tu.nanti okay la"

but it was not.


i am talkative,but i don't simply talk about all my feelings with everyone.i don't share everything with everyone.i might sound stupid,but yes,i don't tell my true feelings to everyone.

if i said i'm okay,well,it might be true.and it might be not.because now,all i believe is;

what is the used of asking if you don't really want to know the answer?

because everybody seem to do that.they asked,but they never really waited for the true answer.


please.aku betul sedang jatuh merudum ke bawah.sumpah aku sedih.serious aku rasa macam mahu pecahkan benda berkaca.


diam.

diam.

diam.

dah sejam lebih since aku taip perkataan diam yang terakhir.


and i think,i will just go and call her now.i really can't sleep tonight if i let anything happens between us.

just the thought of losing her,make me scared as hell.